haircut

I have been going to the same haircut lady for five years.  She knows my name and everything, but we barely talk.

Yesterday was just one question.  She asked, what do you do when you're at home?  Play with your friends?

And I say... "...yeah."

I don't like how people say "I'm weird." Not me, as in me me.  But when other people who are not me just say "I'm weird." Well, shit, no you aren't!

This.

This is how you become reclusive.

Friends leaving you for other people.
No where else to express hate.
Being naturally reserved.
Not knowing what happened....

I feel like randomly tripping people walking down aisles.

Anyways, some thoughts:

Maybe I should transgender myself, and call myself a lesbian.  Just like Oshima in Kafka but instead of a girl turning into a guy but being attractive to guys, I'll turn myself into a female (but be attracted to girls).

I think in the future I'll put weeds in pots, and grow fields of flowers.  But my main plants that would be in pots would be different species of weeds.

I think the only way guys can get away with being sensitive is to make it funny somehow.

ugh why can't I just be a recluse all my life... I can but... there's really nothing I can do to get revenge on those people who I just hate so much...

awh fuck 2

She wasn't in a relationship.  She was single.

THAT MEANS I SHOULD HAVE JUST WROTE LOVE LETTERS.

... and dammit, I think she thinks I'm a loser.  I have to show that I'm not a loser and I can only do that IRL so fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  If only I held on until July 3... shit!  Some patient person I am.

Trying too hard

I notice I try really hard to show who I am in person, online.

And in person, I try my best to show who I am online...

Anyways.



I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

NOTHING

NOTHING could have prepared me for what has happened.

Didn't really like her initially.

Then I just... fell.

And it took over.  Maybe if I was already in a relationship things wouldn't have ended the way they did.

But anyways, I have to remember that not thinking at all is better than pointless thinking.

Though... the thought of her makes me hate the world.

another thing that she helped in...

made me realize that I really don't want to be a CLS... because I wasn't looking forward to it.

oops!

So I think I really do need money.

Goals

I think I'm really not introverted now... I can trace the signs from my past.

I've always enjoyed visitors.  I remember bits of pieces of when they'd come to my house and I was really young... my brother would want to stay in his room, and I followed whatever he did.  So, I didn't get out to meet anyone.

When my cousins left, I'd cry.  I've always liked company.

So yeah, I don't think I'm an introverted person that I thought I was.  I always enjoy reading in class and speeches... I guess it was my own ideas and thoughts that I'm just afraid of.  Judgment, that's all.   So I'm just shy and I need exposure.

I really can't see me in a relationship, or ever believing if someone ever truly loves or likes me because I've never been who I always wanted to be... I've always wanted to be comfortable everywhere I go, and I'm not.  I need that exposure and independence because that's what I want and what I believe I should be doing, and I should be at that level before anyone can love or like me.

I think the most important step to become the person I want to be, is courage, and I have to have the courage to take the little steps.  I need: exposure, and I need to just speak and ask questions.  I find me being with another friend helps me a lot to be social.  Having friends is about giving and taking... it's not all about give and give, so I must  start taking advantage of friends.  I actually do have friends with a wide social network, so I'm not too concern about being so alone... or I shouldn't be at least.

Dancing should help.  I should also initiate calls to my two other best friends.  I already know which people I dislike, so I know how to stay away from it.

I should also stop thinking about what I have to say, because usually after that thought of thinking about what to say I think of the next scenario and possible conversations after what I say which usually do not even happen.  I should just think of what I want to say one at a time.

Anyways, as much anticonsumerist that I want to be, there is a little bit of bad and good in us, therefore I am a hypocrite because ... well, I don't know many words, and I don't know a word that is equivalent to "a little bit of hypocrite", so what I want are new headphones.  Earphones kill my ear.  I want headphones.