Feeling so sad right now

Last week I planned for yesterday to be the day I finally kill myself... didn't go through because my brother worked double the night before yesterday so he got yesterday night off... and I was supposed to die yesterday night.  Maybe tonight?  Why do I feel so scared... I shouldn't mind death, it's nothing, right?  It's supposed to be nothing...

and holy fuck, I can't even kill myself coz the car is in the other house, and my dad brought the van to work, so the vehicles that can actually kill me are not here. fuuuuuuuu.

Oh Hey, a Quote I thought of

"Studying something you're not interested in is like forcing yourself to have sex with a sheep"

And another random thing I thought about Pokemon, lol:
"Pokemon allows men to show their sensitivity side, in this man-cannot-be-sensitive world"

Money

I'm beginning to think that the constant want and worry for money is a mental illness.

The only things I envy about other people is the attention and praise they get.  Even if its for something stupid, like getting a job, buying a nice house, or helping the poor.

Names for my Future Kids

Boy: Atticus
Girl: Chloe

Words to Live By

Now or never.

The sad part was that... it was what I needed to truly love you. Why thank you for showing me what I really want out of love.  And I like it.  I like becoming the clingy person.  I guess...

I haven't been writing because I don't like using my brain.  I really hate the thought of thinking, but I have a few notes that I jot down that I thought would be useful for my person building process in the near future:

I fall for whoever I end up thinking about the most.  The timing matters, my mood matters a lot, that's just how I am.

I miss the days when the little things bothered me... like oh, she must be stinky, I can't like her because she's stinky... she doesn't ask how I'm doing, I don't like her because she doesn't care about me. That sort of thought.

So, the more I thought about it without tears and feelings, I've come to a decision of what my heart and mind is proud of.  It consists of five things that I must tell her when I encounter her the next time:

You started ignoring me because:

1. I sound different when I blog.  Am I just not funny?
2. I don't talk to you about my problems.  You seemed you never cared anyway.
3. You didn't get my humor of me being openly jealous.
4. You're going to be growing, and honestly I don't want to hold you back in any way... I don't want to be a problem or whatever so I just try talking to you once in awhile, I hope I wasn't all in your face about it because it really isn't what I was trying to do.
5. Am I that hard to talk to?  Why couldn't you tell me anything?

Clues that she didn't like me:

1. Doesn't ask how I'm doing.
2. "It was his loss." (Holy hell, you didn't even want to stay friends with the guy...)
3.  Talking about other guys to me

From Lessons and Fine Advice:

"Eighteen Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
Nineteen When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Twenty One Spend some time alone.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

Is it too late for the immediate steps?

But its only been a week and some since she found out... but why the fuck do I care?  Is it because I feel that I can relate so much?

No, it's because I do care, and I'm going insane by the second.  I don't want to assume shit either.  "Assume makes an ass out of u and me."

It's like you only notice your insecurities when you're in love with someone.

And you're failing in the pursuit.

Hermitting

I keep getting injured when I play basketball... now I can hardly walk. So, I'll be in doors playing games all day or studying or reading...not like I do anything drastically different if I wasn't injured.

I went to church today.  The Nigerian priest's misheard lyrics:
"Raise up your ass"
"And all the douchebags"

I love my thoughts when I'm in church.  I just can't help but feel like laughing.  I saw that the windows have that curtain where you pull the thing down to close it...and the window is so high up.  So I think, how did they close it?  Then I thought, maybe they use that long cross staff (the thing they use to march in in the beginning of mass), using the right side of the cross to pull down the little hole in the curtain to close it, and then I imagine someone trying to do that, but missing the hole and saying "oh shit" then I start laughing.  Idk maybe I like laughing at other people's mistakes.

After church, we ate at a Mexican restaurant.  I didn't finish, and most of my other family didn't finish, so we put them all in a doggie bag and all our leftovers looked like a huge pile of shit.

I'm home now, and I feel safe.  I like feeling safe.

I wonder how people can be depressed but not suicidal and depressed?

I guess what I did was wrong, but what the hell, how can you expect me to keep still if you fucking ignore me without saying anything.  What kind of friend does that.  Why the fuck did you decide to be my friend if you're not going to talk to me.  I guess I should have confronted you when I felt the distance, but I would have felt good with just hies or whatever.... I guess its my fault.  I guess I did decide to only talk to her if she wanted to talk to me, and I guess she just completely lost interest.  I also knew how I would turn out if I had those feelings, so I guess it is my fault... it's all my fault.  Idk.  Maybe it's no one's fault.  It's all natural selection...
...
Anyways, I read Death Note over.  I finished all 12 volumes in almost a week since my brother found the only volume I was missing (the first one) in the junkyard.  It was a good read.  A bit repetitive and I felt no sympathy for whatever was going on though, towards the end.  Though, I guess I liked the very end, and beginning of the series.

Damn, I guess blogging really is my only friend.