Semester 6 comes to a close.

Tomorrow is my last final of Semester 6.  The Answer chapter in my life, I guess.

College Chronicles (since I'm an organizing freak):

Semester 1:  Work Ethic, change of goals.  Semester 2:  Getting Lost again.

Semester 3:  Love.  Semester 4:  Conclusion of Love.

Semester 5:  Rebuilding.  Semester 6:  The Answer.

Semester 7's title for now... A New Beginning?!?!?

So I guess my life is kind of normal and not all blurry.

I was thinking of something, and then I was thinking of something else.  And then I wanted to think back to the thing I was thinking of before, but I could not think what I was thinking of before anymore. So anyways, I've been listening to LECRAE.  Christian rap, however, I zone out of the lyrics and my body entrances with the beat.  Too bad I don't get the messages of the song unless I look them up on Google.

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And now I present to you my level ups for the weekend. (I sprained my foot so I couldn't work out)







I got my PRIDE on LOW.  FAITH on HIGH.
turn-turn the treble up, bass on high

My training schedule:  Archer to 110.  Thunder Breaker to 110.  Mage to 170.  Hermit to 120.  Archer to 120.  Thunder Breaker to 120. OMG I love mindless activities and then mindful activities and then back to mindless activities again.

Fantasy Tennis

This is what I've been up to the past week.

FANTASY TENNIS.

I lost 3 straight in DOUBLES.

And then figured it wasn't my kind of play.

I play ALONE!!!


I SWEPT him in our four matches.  So now my record is like 4 wins and 5 loses.  I won 4 straight!  This Skalid guy was part of that doubles team that beat me and this other random guy.

FINALLY something to boast about.

Random thoughts of the week:  Have I've been living only to impress people?  All this self sacrificing and degrading my ego to impress people?  Do people even realize that I'm doing it intentionally?  Or am I doing it because of a good heart?  I highly doubt that it's my heart.  Maybe I just want to be different.

Do we only live to gain pleasure and avoid pain?  I've been attracted to pain quite lately however the result makes me want to die, so I guess we have to avoid this pain to not die?  What's wrong with dying anyway, since other people die.  Another thought is, why couldn't we be built like Jimmy Neutron, like having a flashy brain blast thing when we think of an epiphany or something.  Perhaps its because that epiphany wasn't really much of a realization but a random thought that is meant to be forgotten?

The more you get stressed, is it easier to cope with?  The more you fall out and in love is it easier to fall out?

If someone's opinion is the same as your's on a certain subject, would you agree with the same opinion?  How about if that other person's opinion is different on the same subject but common grounds?  Would you think that person has the right answer?  I bet I would search for a reason to agree with.

Maybe if I age more I'd have more answers than questions.

My next entry is my heartbroken story of The Unanswered Call Light.  Then again, I never follow up on entries that I say I would write about.

neg rep for this.

"So I am planning to be a Nurse Assistant because from my other thread I mentioned I am dumb as a brick so I need a easy high security job heh heh.. How is the market demand for a nurse Assistant and is being a Nurse Assistant easier than being a computer scientist?"

Since I cannot muster up the courage to reply to this post at a certain forum, I will list my reasons why I negative rep'd this post.

First of all, this person mentions being dumb, and planning to becoming a Nurse's Assistant.  You do not correlate both of those together.  Nurses Assistants are not dumb.  Maybe the path to be one is simple and straightforward, but the actual work is tiring mentally and physically.  You have to think quick at the spur of the moment.  Dumb people make bad decisions.  Bad decisions lead to ineffective care.  Not only that, but along with your intelligence, you must cope with being put down all the time. You just cannot make a mistake in care, and one minor mistake can cost awfully a lot.

The mental fatigue comes from the degredation of your own ego.  If you have an egotistical personality deep inside, you might feel hurt.  The Nurse's Assistant is at the very bottom of the status chain, and you won't feel prestigious in the team.  You won't feel the power, even though their role is an important part.  You'll also have to take shots from the clients themselves.  Of course, don't take anything personally, but still hurt hurts for awhile.  You'll get your hand slapped for being too slow.  If you were dumb you can't take it. My definition of dumb may be different, but mine is that dumb people complain and lose their cool quickly.

The physical tiredness should be self explanatory.  All the work is physical, walking around for eight hours, lifting, talking.  And you use your five senses in a difficult way.  You smell the poop.  You touch the poop AND the butt.  You SEE the poop.  You hear HEEELP HEEELP HEEELP left and right.  And you TASTE the bitterness of disparage.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to be an efficient caregiver.  Time management, good attitude, and everything else at their best, I believe, creates the best nursing team.  The goal is to improve the person's health to their best possible condition, and you do that by being strong and taking whatever your teammates or clients throws at you.  Please don't coming into this just for wanting to work just for a high security or calling themselves dumb going into this job. Sorry, but your attitude just perks me, especially going into a field like this one.

-

Yup, not replying because he's, or she's, not even asking about a review or whatever I said.  Only asking for the demand.  Thus my reply would be quite irrelevant.

Hell yeah, standing up for myself! I guess I should have said it nicer though.  If this person asking was a client however, I would say it nicer of course.

bad weather.

I feel so lost again.  Perhaps its the weather.  It has been cold and numb lately.  Maybe its my diet.  I ate chicken with macaroni and cheese.

Or perhaps it was yesterday's event.  There are just some people that irritate me.  The people who irritate me tends to be those that are rude and less understanding. Those who don't understand sarcasm.  And its my fault for making my sarcasm sound too sincere, as in I'm really stupid.  Maybe I am stupid since I talk sarcastically on impulse as well.  My humor has got to stop.

It's not only that but I feel like I have a reputation to feel perfect in every way and I'm not fulfilling it.  I found myself missing the strange people that actually do understand yet not wanting to be around them.  And I've wondered, why do I always repel myself from people who seem weird.  I like people who just gets it.  And those are the people I'm willing to help.  I abhor losing my temper at the most inappropriate times, and I did, but I did not say anything bad.  I was a little shaken up.  That's what got me thinking.  If I get shaken up now, how much will I be shaken up when I'm with children?  I've been shaken up with them before.  I should stop trying to get them to think of how I'm thinking though.  I have to understand them so that I flip to their page instead of them flipping to mine I guess.

How come I see people my age as kids?  I love adults, the elderly, and children.  The people I don't like the most are my age (even though I can't really tell how old they are, they just look like a high schooler).

Then I thought about love.  It's amazing how a strange person can understand me just by looking at me for half a second. I guess most people's problems are the same as everyone else's, which helps connect the world.

Nothing has meaning except for the meaning we choose to give it. That stood out to me, I wonder why it's so difficult to live life with a meaning.  Guess I have to give my life its meaning.  Why am I catering to others instead of myself?  Why do I dream of becoming rich and successful and envied or whatever when I really don't?  What should I follow?  Then I stumbled upon another quote, that its how we act to our thoughts that matters most.  I guess I'm doing that okay.  But I can't help but feel a bit down.

I did almost everything to feel a bit better actually.  Got home, ate.  Played MapleStory with my brother and best friend.  Went to sleep.  Woke up feeling bad again.  Played some basketball.  Felt relieved a bit.  And after writing now I feel a bit better actually.

Was that all I have been thinking of last night?  There's the load of work I have to do, and my future plans.  I think what hurts me most is figuring out what I want to do but having doubts that stand right in front of me.  I really think they can be fixed but it'll be extremely difficult.  I have to stop that shaking and I have to remain calm and normal.  No jokes.

A few days ago... I felt a draft.  A draft of a sign that's begging me to fulfill what I wanted to do but having doubts that it'll end up with disaster.  It's been a year but I was amused of how this turned out to be:

I have the same eyes as her too. LOL I used my random haircut coupon I got for free from a quest. I didn't take a screenshot of how I look exactly like her except for the hair color, but I'm okay with that.

Anyways, as an attempt to not think about her, I dressed up in disguise.

Disguise one, the glasses.

Disguise number 2- the helmet.

I prefer disguise 1 though.  I like being reminded of her actually. This was timing for that May 8 anniversary break l0l. And I guess this is the true closure in that it has ended and I'll do my best to not think about it anymore. Notice my transition from her to it now.

I haven't properly introduced my Thunder Breaker though.  It's Exbiodia, created when the Cygnus Knights first arrived.  I laid her to rest when I started another Cygnus, my Wind Archer.  Now because of the Empress's blessing and Xeno's need for more accuracy, and with Empresses blessing increasing the accuracy of Xeno, I've woken Exbiodia up and now I'm level 71.

Wow blogging releases so much steam.  I have to keep this up and remember that blogging is another option and it is a must do for everyday.

I hope I win that scholarship.  I'm having doubts now since I'm not informed.  I need to get a new DS because my fold part of my DS Lite is broken... it needs to rest as well.  It's getting tired.

Edit:  I think I've been only feeling bad because I have been procrastinating on my blog.  Yup, that's it!

one week from today...

Is the "</3"  anniversary. She said she never wants to talk to me again. I said I loved her. Thump thump thump...



My own judgement time will be in a week from now.  Til' then, I'm only going to say that I did not finish Final Fantasy VIII, and I've started a file on Xenogears.  This line of thought has nothing to do with the subject but it probably does because I might be playing this game as well, one week from today. Maybe I can finally lay my opinion to rest, er I mean STFU of my beliefs that love exists. The evidence is there, but I'm just stupid.  So stupid, and I'll wait another week, that final week until I know for real, that this belief is verified by my own set of conditions.  This has started stupid.  And this will end stupid.

I've started playing MapleStory again, for just a little bit.  My friend is finally leveling her main character, and I partied with her for less than 30 minutes, so it was a fun kickback hour... time... less than an hour time, whatever.  Moment, yeah  that was the word I was trying to think of and yeah I think while I type because my thoughts come and go so fast.  In real life my mind goes so fast that my voice can't keep up resulting in a: asdfjkl;, asdfjkl;.  Notice that I repeat the same  sequence of combined letters.  Anyways back to MapleStory, I've still yet to attempt a screen shot on MS with this new computer.

Played basketball against my bro for the first time since Christmas.  I was literally making all my shots, plus getting back on defense.  I think I'm so good and that I can beat anyone.  l0l.  But whatever, I need more stamina though, and that's where DDR comes in.

It's Spring time in Pokemon.  I need three more, Buneary, Driftloon, and Glameow, which I'd cop in the dream world.  I currently have 6500 dream points.  I need 1k more to be able to find them.

That is all.

PS Liberal Arts majors look WEIRD.  I am starting to feel offended. And more superficial than I thought.

Getting Away

I had a bad dream last night, and I was almost in tears, that Spurs lost to the Memphis Grizzlies.  Spurs are not my favorite team, and neither do I hate the Grizzlies.   So when I woke up I was kind of dazzled as to why I felt that way.  After watching the game, that dream became a reality, except I did not cry, but I felt really saddened.  It's not because I wanted them to win, that I felt sad, but it's because they were the top seed against the last seed in the first round of the playoffs.  I've watched them play and work so hard, reaching the top.  Knowing that they could possibly be the champion.  I looked up to their work ethic... only to falter towards where it really counts.  I'm sad that I'm scared of failing.  Trying so hard, accomplishing so many things as life goes on.  But towards the end, failing on the thing that mattered most.  That's why I woke up, almost in tears.  Working so hard and failing in the end is what I'm afraid to do.  It happened once, in a love story that won't leave my mind and heart, I thought pain would strengthen me.  I think it does, it's not making me any weaker.  But the anxiety it causes is what brings me a bit down.  It's making me terrified. And it's not an at the moment scared, like when you know your presentation is coming up in one minute. It's the scare and worry of the future and uncertainty that would last so long without a set time.

I think my stamina is going down.  I couldn't pass Hard Core of the North on 9 foot on ITG today.  I need to eat balanced meals, I know I'm lacking greens and fruits.

I finally passed the Multi Battle subway.  My Sapphire Battle Tower team that got me 60+ consecutive wins did the job.  Salamence and Metagross, both with completely wrong natures and IVS (Salamence has Attack in BLUE), but they got the job done nonetheless.



The girl who was hitting on me who I have no feelings whatsoever is in the same clinical as me now.  I'm scared to death.  Her background, she is scary, in her upper twenties, really hood, talks really hood, and is shunned by the normal people, and it seems like she shuns them first with her natural angry loud blunt attitude.  I used to look forward to clinical knowing that I'm with a good group of people and away from her.  I used to be okay having two days of class with her, and now it's four.  She's nice and all, and she smiles when she sees me and I feel good that I'm being nice to someone who has problems but I don't like having real connections to people in general.  Let alone I want to be with people that I feel like I want to be with.  I'm that selfish. Anyways, we didn't really hang out together due to me talking to the other group members.  When class ended, I went to the bathroom hoping she would have left already.  I exit the bathroom and she's still there.  Oh shit. I said bye and smile, then I walked out the building, calling my mom to pick me up.  Oh shit oh shit,  mom said she was having a haircut.  She can't pick me up.Fuck fuck fuck I know that this would take forever. the fastest I ever did, across the street, cars were passing by.  I had to get to the other side, to sit down behind the sign on the bench chairs invisible to her eye that would be in the other street.  I started walking, unaware of a car in the right side.  It stopped instead of moving, and I was pretty hesitant because I wanted that car to go first, but then I thought it's my turn since I already started crossing the street so it was my right of way.  I rushed to the other side, thinking in fear.  What if she pops her head out of the bushes oh shit oh fuck I don't want to be around her. And right then at that moment, I thought fuck being nice. It's hurting me and I'm scared to death.  I realized I hate connections, as to why I probably have no close friends in the first place.

I'm okay with having no friends like that, but I'm really glad I have friends whom would let me pop into their lives once in awhile.  And then leave, and come back. My friends are my friends forever, even if it means they aren't close.  I'm glad that I helped her though, she would have probably never smiled in class, and she would have probably been kicked out if it wasn't for me.  She praises me for helping her out, and I'm okay I did it.  But ever since she started hitting on me, she crossed the line.  Now I know how she must have felt, and I'm never going to be clingy ever again.

One of my team members is having relationship problems, in her mid forties.  I guess the pains of love is so strong. I looked up to her for her sarcasm attitude and strength.  I never knew she would falter out of the effects of "love."  She's in the process of divorcing and she's seeing another guy who we're both skeptical about, and she says I'm right, after my analytical observations on what she said and she thanked me.  I know she knows that he's no good but the heart easily overpowers the mind.  I'm glad I can help a bit. And I'm glad that I like what I have said.  She said the guy is nice, but he has all these other problems with the law and his other two wives.  And my response?  That everyone can be nice.  And that it is SO easy to be nice.  I think its true, and I felt good with this future hall of fame quote I have said.

Easter Accomplishment

I haven't watched a single Gundam series, but my dad purchased a Wing Gundam Zero MobileSuit XXXG-00W0 MG model at the airport.  I built it on Easter, my first model ever.  It was the one where you just have to snap the pieces together, no painting or gluing required.  I enjoyed the construction process, and I might add it to my current plethora of  novice level hobbies that I pursue.  I already have a Gundam GP03S EFSF Attack use prototype Mobile Suit underway, as soon as my bro does whatever he needs to do with the box.



I had a strange dream that a balanced diet and exercise improves mental hygiene.  Mental hygiene meaning being clean but feeling dirty. I have a slight obsession where I'd feel dirty even after taking a shower, which would bother me for the entire day until I take a shower, and when I'm bothered like that I could feel my moodiness.

You know what kind of quality I look for in girls now?  Artsy girls!  I want to bring her in to teach my future fifth grade class how to do some kind of art shit.

Easter 2011

I found an Aerodactyl while exploring the sky.  I decided to cop it once I found out it was a female with Stealth Rock, rather than picking up the Hoppip, Sunkern, and Sentret I found prior to that meeting.  I already have an Aerodactyl, but I thought about it, and I'd be getting a new Pokemon everyday anyways, why not just take my time and get Pokemon that looks cool?  Anyways, Aerodactyl might be the last double I'd get since I only have seven boxes left.  I actually need to own Hoppip, Sunkern and Sentret to fill up my Pokedex (Seen 641, own 636)

Beacuse of my inconsistencies in Reading Partners, I've agreed to become a substitute.  I'm doing it out of my own charity, so my parents are a bit disappointed in me since I'm not getting paid.  I think they'd rather have it that I drop it completely.  I think I should, too, so I can focus on my CNA program. The anxiety of becoming a teacher now is officially killing me, and I HAVE to find ways to relax now.  Pokemon isn't cutting it since my boxes are full and I don't want to release any Pokemon, and if I can't do that, how can I search for the right Pokemon with the right IVs?  BTW, I'm leaving my DW Pokemon in the Entralink forest for now.

Nothing much has been happening, except I got motivation to build this Gundam my dad bought me from some place, as he went overseas for two weeks.

Anxiety of the future has been killing me.  It really has.  And I'm having my doubts of being a teacher.  I'm getting pulled into nursing just because I love old people. Maybe I'll settle and be a CNA l0l.  CNA with a Liberal Arts degree.