experience and change.

This current slight ignition of infatuation is helping me cope, because I’ll never talk to her again.  When I think about her, and then think about this one, I loose my feelings for that one.  I guess when I’m really in love, the experience of getting out of it is irrelevant to getting out. When I’m in love, I know I’m in love, and I am in love. Back then, I was talking to other people in hopes that I can talk to her.  Experience in talking to others, hoping that I’ll be able to talk to her.  Now that we will never talk to each other again, I’m reverting back to my cold isolated self.  My natural self, which isn’t what I’m trying to be.  I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to be. Isolation is my natural response, though. Like touching the stove, pulling my hand out, is to talking, regretting, then isolating.

To change, I think people’s only motivation for change is love.  I’d change for who I love.  Maybe this is why America is failing so much.  It’s not the same feeling as loving someone, but I think it should be.  People who love America as someone, whether it’s a psychological psychopath person, he can change the nation for the better. The change must be loved.  But I guess it works too if it’s linked to pride.  But whatever.  Just saying that I think love is the most important factor in change.

Looking back at it, I was a total mess right after and during that entire process.   I couldn’t study, didn’t do work, didn’t think of my career, I just wanted her to love me back, and searched for ANY kind of sign that brought hope.  This continued for days.  Even when we weren’t going to talk anymore, I still hoped, wrote, thought of what to do, but I really couldn’t do anything.   Slept more than I was awake, ignoring everyone.  So, I should learn to give up on hope, and just stop hoping.  I'll think about hope, but I won't research on hope.

Finally it shifted when her best friend severed friendship with me, and when I started watching Detective Conan again.  And then basketball.  And the shift stood strong.  DDR, ITG, basketball, improving my health, reading other people’s blogs, critical thinking,  piano.  And then the piano girl lolol.  But damn I think I was so cool in the IRL part of it, that people and friends didn’t notice how much pain I was in.  So if you’re my friend and I didn’t tell you about it, don’t worry coz I told no one.   The story is only being told here.  And maybe whatever “she” says about it to her social circle.

I think this is my first true love.  We never physically met.  But I certainly talked to her more than anyone else.   I thought of her more than anyone else.  And she was my motivation.  Back then.  I don't remember much about my past likes.  But this one... I can say, September, we met.  October, we argued.  November, we were friends again.  December, we argued.  And much more, my own emotional struggles, and now I'm realizing it, that I caused so much trouble by liking her that way...  I know it is my first true love, I couldn't even move on if I wanted to.  I like her so much and I still do. But now, it's really over, and I'm going to move on whether I like it or not. So, cute piano girl, prepare yourself for a hi.

… Infatuation isn’t useless, I’m making good use out of it to work on something, and to get my mind off something.  I know that I’m moving on, because the excitement in my stomach is telling me so.  Hope infatuation changes once I get to know her. Worse that could happen is that she likes me, but I start thinking about her. Hm, I hate saying her, and she.  From now on, her and she will be referred to the cute piano girl, and the original "her" and "she" from the beginning of this blog will be called "ma peche" lol, coz I'm thinking of Albedo Atm.

This is Albedo. Goodnight.  Haha, this is so like me to think of her, er ma peche, when I have a midterm tomorrow.

full combo.

I'll edit this later, just wanted to make the quick note so I know whose music not to write about, coz I did Shubert and Debussy already.

Detective Conan and the, erm, Professor Layton: The Eternal Diva was such a great movie omg lol. I think the overall message is about death and how to deal with it.  People live forever through memories.  Sigh, that means no one should come in contact with me if I want to die or else I'll live forever O_O

I like Level-5's character designs, they are drawn so silly, cute, and it's just so strange compared to other drawings.  Maybe it's an illusion created by how each character's eyes and height are not drawn at the same size.  It's like having an anime character next to a He-Man.

[failed screen captured pic insert here... .jpg lol]

Also, passed Healing Vision Angelic mix on 9 for the first time lol  I used one foot for 8th notes (I think they're called 8th notes?) this time instead of using two foot alternation.  It wasn't that fast after playing No 1 Nation 10+ times.

Yesterday I achieved a full combo on While the Rekkid Spinz (7), sadly, it wasn't a *.  My excuse is that I'm using a soft pad with no bar haha.Almost passed it on (9) but I failed at the last stream!  Tomorrow I'll pass it fa sho.

I would be more proud if it was Mellow, I always miss 1 note.  Sigh. lol

Hm my window looks so weird without the curtain.  My curtain is in the hamper preparing to be cleaned. It used to be this way the first year I lived in this house though.

weeeeeeeeeeee.

Once I own Xenoblade, I must cop dis!:



Wished those 8-bit toons were actually figurines that came in the box... V

!!!

Games to get:  Final Fantasy IV After Years, Kirby's Epic Yarn, Donkey Kong Country Returns, Arc Rise Fantasia (maybe), Last Story... I feel like I'm missing something.

I literally feel like I was 13 yesterday, and woke up as a 20 yr old, without dreams and goals.

Back to watching Professor Layton: The Eternal Diva.

back.

I'm going back to my old self.  What was my old self?  Striving hard, working hard, getting things done.  I'm tired of being relaxed and carefree.  I'm tired of watching the world, and thinking that nothing will change.  I want to go back to who I used to be, or who I thought I was before.

But I can't, because I'm just me.  I'm everything I've done.  I can't "say" that I'm going back.  Except, I've learned a lot more.  I'll have a higher level of motivation as I work harder.  I guess I'm just inspired by Captain Tezuka lol  He's so serious, I think it's cool to be serious, like I was before... at least, I'd like to think that I was serious, maybe I wasn't so serious.

I was told to relax and smile. After my first, I started smiling... and people commended me for smiling!  Or not commend, but were like "woah you're smiling!"  I guess I never did smile back then.  Even in fifth grade, my teacher wrote in my "yearbook" that I have to smile more, and try to relax and that I have a nice smile.  Another fifth grade friend wrote that it's funny how I try to hide my smile.  And almost everyone else said that I'm too quiet.  I guess I get lost in my head often, that I don't realize what I'm affecting around me.

It could also be that I thought I was like what they said but what was I back then?  Back then when I didn't feel so pessimistic.  Was I pessimistic back then?  Am I pessimistic now?  Eh, whatever lol

I like Manga because of *one* writer and artist.  I feel that I learn more about the person and I grasp the entire meaning of the piece and what the writer is trying to convey in it.  77-78 PoT

Last Thursday, I missed my chance yet again.  She was walking ahead of me, I didn't do anything.  BUT I was also ready in case we met at the roll sheet, or whenever I see her down a hallway.  I was SO ready to say hi, but I didn't see her.  Nor was my friend here today, and it sucks because I really wanted to talk about this with her.  Anyways, I noticed that she wore her jacket around the waist.  YES!  She's not that intimidating anymore knowing she did a nerd! Or maybe it's not a nerd since she's a she, and guy nerds tie jackets or sweaters around their waste.  Hmm.  But man, that will attract more people to her... I'm afraid of other guys finding her attractive which is most likely... this is why I have to act quick before it's too late... sigh.

... one month left. I just know that I'll regret not saying anything to her after this semester is over, and as I age.

Maybe I'll bring my big umbrella and hopefully it rains... and she forgets her umbrella... KLJFS!! WTF.

OH YEAH.  And 9s I passed: No 1 Nation, Xuxa, July, Tell, While the Rekkid Spinz.  Gonna try to beat Let My love Go Blind next lol, I died at the end with that <>< looking consecutive steps, I think its good practice coz I seem to be bad at those.  And the steps that go <>^<V or something like that lol (the awkward twist/turns which may put my back facing the screen)

happy birthday dad!

I have Skies of Arcadia COMPLETE now.  Thank you cuhzbro.

My dad turns 53 today.We played basketball.  Thank goodness I lost (not in purpose), hopefully my dad noticed that I was playing my best, and hopefully he feels younger now that he beat me lol

hm not much to say... watched the last games of the preseason. Starting to get back into Prince of Tennis.

Note to self: EP 304 DC

missed my chance.

She was right there, OMG could've said hi but noOOoo.  I passed the roll sheet to her and didn't say anything, and she didn't say anything to me.  hmph.  I'm suspecting she has a BF coz she's all focused and everytying hmm oh well gotta say hi next time lol

Now let me reminisce of all the chances I could have had.

1.  First day of school.  She was walking to class, and she was ahead of me.  I, who usually walks fast, slowed down because I was intimidated by her looks LOl

2.  Sat next to me.

3.  Sat next to me again, and tapped my shoulder coz she wanted me to pass up my music quiz lmao

4.  She was sitting in the hallway unexpectedly.  I rushed to the practice room because I felt nervous.

5.  Saw her working at the concert, but didn't say hi coz I didn't recognize her.

6.  Could have said hi to her when I passed up my listening paper.

7.  Could have said hi to her when I passed the roll sheet.

WTF.  so in conclusion, I have no balls and I'm a little kid. I'm sure there was more... near the first day of school, I saw her at the library.

This infatuation thing is working though... I want to be healthy like her LOL and I lost 5 lbs!  I passed all 8 songs on ITG.  I started on 9s, but failed the first one.   My excuse is that I was too tired.  But right after I shot a couple of hoops.  I want to go one on one with someone... I feel like blocking someone so bad!

And so a crossover game with Prof Layton and Phoenix Wright was just announced... http://www.1up.com/news/professor-layton-meets-phoenix-wright-3ds

Xenoblade or this?!?! I love puzzles and detective stuff.

XENO.

If Xenoblade has an official release date, I'm getting a Wii.  I'll get the game first though, and then the Wii.  Xenoblade looks like the only RPG that I want to play ATM.  Sarah Àlainn's Beyond the Sky is so beautifully sung ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iPQP7aDe_Y )... and I'm following Soraya Saga on Twitter lol (worked on Xenosaga and Xenoblade).  And I should also get Baten Kaitos if I get a Wii...!  (if the Wii can play Gamecube games...)

http://www.nintendo.co.jp/wii/sx4j/characters/index.html

These character designs look amazing.

I also discovered Sarah Àlainn's youtube ch and blog... I wonder how old she is so I can compare ourselves intellectually and where we're at in life lol... hope she's older than 25 or so, but she looks 21 or 22, sigh.

I think my shooting got better... when I practice, I must practice going up one on one against someone.  Shoot open shots, pass when I don't or dribble ahead... I'm short, so I have to practice being like a point guard. Ray Allen and Paul Pierce do not miss any shots during practice. I must not miss any shots either!

I'm procrastinating again on my government essay as usual. I could never think of a thesis.  This is why I hate essays.  I don't like thinking up topics and researching, it just doesn't interest me and I lost credibility on everything anyways.  AND I don't have much opinions on issues and such.  Maybe I need to live by myself or something to form opinions that I'd be satisfied with... oh well, must write something though for 20+ points?  I might not like my argument, but at least I'll follow the structure.  My heart isn't in this, because I am not passionate about any issue.

I think I'll finish FFVIII ASAP, and right after, finishing up FFXII.  I started FFX like two weeks ago if I didn't say that, and I'm not hooked.  Maybe it's because I'm not that far into it, so past game series are drawing me in.

Last weekend I kept replaying and watching the endings of Xenosaga EPI and III.  Is it bad that my favorite character is Wilhelm?  The guy who watches the universe revolve around him, precisely calculating what's going to happen and what's going to end up as... except the sadist part, I don't like that characteristic about him, but his outlook is so amazing.  chaos and Wilhelm, staying calm and when things aren't going there way, they don't respond with an over exaggerated reaction.  chaos's eternal melancholic expression is intriguing as well, I wish more games have as good as a story and development as Xenosaga, which is why I'm looking forward to Xenoblade.  I could tell that it's genuine, and the creator really crafted it with a passion.  That's just by looking at reviews and trailers and screen shots and the website though. It's Takahashi, of course.

Jin Uzuki... the moment before he dies in the ending, he longs for the past, and never felt that way before.  He wanted to go back.  I wonder if that meant that he regret sacrificing himself to help Nephilim, Abel, chaos, and KOS-MOS.  I feel the same way, even though I'm not going to die right now.  I'm longing for the past.  I didn't say spoilers, because that's not the true ending.  Soraya Saga and Takahashi's ending is much different... I'm really curious to what their ending for the series is.

This is why I'm excited for Xenoblade.  It's Takahashi's first, for us, our first time to see a game his team actually finished w/o bein rushed.

Sigh, I want to play games... back to my essay. And wish me luck!  If things go well, and somehow I get a chance to talk to her, I'll go up to her with my friend and start something... sad to say that I'm superficial and she's looking good lol love her hair and the way she dresses.  She says "excuse me" "thank you", helped out in the concert, nice hair, hard worker, not afraid to ask for something she doesn't know... yeeee.  I guess it's not that much based solely on her appearance :P

good mood.

I beat Adel!  Finally... she had na-na-na-nothing on Selphie baby.

Shell on Rinoa.  Regen on Rinoa.  Auto-haste + 40% speed on Squall, normal attacking.  Selphie + Cactuar + Recover.  Zell + Curaga + Revive.  It took me 30 minutes, four tries.

I think my stamina increased drastically.  But it may be because of night, that I did not tire out easily.

Doing "basketball circles" really helps with the rhythm pertaining to free throw shots.

I like sleeping, I feel healthy.

And I feel like reading Prince of Tennis and watching The Girl Who Leap Through Time.

I also had another idea in my story thingie... where Deske cuts off his arm to prove that he doesn't care about himself, but it just shows he does anyway, because of what the bad guy says. And it's starting to feel a lot like Xenosaga, so I should back down a bit on the Gods and whutnot.

Received Mew, 10:07 AM, October 15, 2010.

I want to be confident as a pessimist and cynic, but cheerful and not contradictory at the same time. Au contraire... I just felt like saying au contraire.

"For love?  Ridiculous.  That has no value."  -Wilhelm, Xenosaga EP. III

Yeay had a brain fart.  Idea of a story would be... God's creation of the "love" concept was actually a mutation in the universal chain of time.  BUAHAHA.  And she comes down to destroy and erase the concept off existence. LOl and so our midget heroes will try to protect "love," by rebelling against God. I wonder if that has been done before...

And before the crisis happens, Deske falls in love with God, who is Leena, a human incarnation of God. She chose being human, because they seemed to be the most interesting species, and are different than the other "animals".  She is also a whore, but a silent pianist and musician and whatever.... she plays strange tunes, which aren't rhythmatically connected at all, but for some strange reason, it flows well and Deske thinks that he understands her.    And Deske falls in love with her so much!  And there will be also other story arcs.  Love triangles, science, with attacking microorganisms, the "big bacteria" that battles God... this is designed to be epic.

Oh yeah, and God doesn't wear makeup, but looks so naturally cute and intelligent, so Deske immediately falls for her, and is also the reason why he doesn't have much of a competition is that God is the quiet type that sits in a piano room all day playing the piano... or should it be organ.

Why do I feel that this story has been done before? =_=  I hope not! omfg i feel like being awake and motivated.  My part time story begins!  wraahhhH