5/8 was the day.

5/8 was the day she left my life.

I MUST WORK NOW.  AND FINISH.  AND BE SATISFIED.

yes!

The Ultimate Letter is in progress.  Prepare yourselves!

The committed heart searches for an answer.

bitch!

My real goodbye is in progress... I wonder if I should start off with "BITCH!" or.. READ PLZ BITCH!  Whateverrrr.

Goodbye my heart ^^

After chasing after her, I don't think I'd have much to write, since I tend to only blog when I'm in this infatuation shit.

the Ultimate Letter.

The best letters are HANDWRITTEN.

OMG WHY HAVEN'T I THOUGHT OF THIS.

And then I'll draw cute little pictures on the side.

buHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's the ultimate sincerity.

still doesn't feel right.

I feel that there is something missing in my letter. It's mostly me talking about myself and what I did wrong.  There isn't much love to her, but she won't even believe it if I do show love.

Reverse psychology.  Maybe I'll get angry, and she won't believe that.  But maybe she will. I have to incorporate reverse psychology effects into this email somehow.

Should I show her my blog?  I'll read through it...

I guess I did start off with so much information about me, and you can’t put the pieces together.  I guess it’s like Speech; you have to start off with the very basic information that people can easily understand before going to the much detailed.

Post relationship status:

-No matter how sincere I am, she'll never trust me.

-She thinks I'm bribing her into seeing me in a different light by giving her things.

-She talks to my friends about me. Yet she says she doesn't understand me.

I bet this is all entertainment to them.

Maybe I should show more aggressiveness?  But it scared her away.  And wow I just had this sudden craving for Kara's Cupcakes.

Or now I'm having doubts.  Maybe I should leave it up to her to handle it. It's her attitude that's the problem.

And I think I liked myself BEFORE I fell for her. I guess I convinced myself that she's the one, and I have been looking at her traits... but I look at myself, there are no improvements to what I do. She made me worse than before.

But I am hardheaded.

after this.

I'd give up.  She won't be the person I like I guess... my efforts are futile.

It's unhealthy.  Trying to translate myself into words, it can't be done.  I'm not always confident with myself because I surprise myself a lot. Doing so much for someone I don't really know.  I'll convince myself that she's not what I think she is.  She's not what I think she is.

I failed to be a good friend, and that's it.  With that, I'm afraid of failing other goals in life.  But it's how I can rebound from this loss, right?

Even if I be a friend again, I'll admit, my mood swings are quite cumbersome for both of us. "Friendship is built on trust."  If it is, I better tell her that I'll be blanked out when I get mad, I hope she knows this, and that I am really quick to forgive if she stays in the conversation... it's so frustrating.  I'm so frustrated with myself.  I don't get myself.  Why am I so much like this?

It'll be all okay.  I can finally study in peace, and I can finally learn.  I won't be a believer in true love, but I'll be a believer in a committed love relationship.  I won't call it true love, but a committed type of relationship.  I won't hate love.  I did okay without love before, I felt that gush of confidence back in my Senior year in high school.  But in reality, I was just showing off that I can do better than I was to my first obsession.

Because I know if I keep holding on, something will happen between us, and she'll be so annoyed.  But there's also a feeling that she wants me to try my best, that I have to try harder and that she has to see it.  She has to see my perseverance.  But then again, what if she's really not like it?  It's a deduction from what she said to me.  Written words without expressions.  Though I can see the differences in how words are written from her.   It's just so confusing, she is so confusing.  I have to figure her out somehow.

I don't know.  But I think this would be my last chance.  I have to perfect this letter and she has to receive it somehow.  I'm glad her best friend is my friend, she's really special.  I admire their relationship so much.  I don't want a friendship like that because I'd feel the degradation of my manhood.

It will be a weight off my shoulders, and I'll work harder.  There's a part of me that wants her to reject this and a part of me that wants her to not reject it.  But really, I really want to give it one last big bang.  The finisher to this maze. My final refuge. It's not anger. My peace treaty.

true love exists because i haven't met her. true love exists because i haven't met her...

But I did meet her.



Hi!  First I would like to thank you for checking your trash bin.  It makes me happy because it shows that you genuinely care, even though I know you do and you just don’t show it. I know you’re never going to talk to me again, but you never told me that I can’t talk at you still, even though talking at you annoys you, but I still have to maintain my consistency.  I have no other way to contact you, so I have no choice but to send yet another email.

If you copied and pasted my blog that one day, did you note that it said “these are my thoughts?”  I just added “sorry for the drama” near the end after editing it a couple of times.  Originally, I wasn’t going to say “sorry for the drama.”  Also, it was just saying that I would be in Vegas, I wanted you to miss me, but I didn’t say it because I also told you last week, and I wanted to show you that I’m moving on, which I really thought that I did.  Then you talked to me about “not being able to control who we love” and I really thought I had a chance so I held on to those words.

I think I continued blogging, and you probably felt that it was towards you. I guess a part of me wanted to blog towards you though it was intentionally for me. I don’t remember what was going on my mind at that time. I was happy and at the same time extremely confused.  I did not know if you liked me that way, and I did not know if I should keep going, but I still wanted to be friends.  I felt like if I kept talking to you, you would think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way, since you told me to be a “best friend” and you would think that I’m only doing it because I like you that way, and I really don’t want you to think that I want to be your friend because I like you that way. So I put down evil thoughts that you might or might not like I guess, wondering how you would react to different sides and thoughts of “me” who I’m trying to still figure out (it stops at age 25 I think).

I knew I was going to lie somehow.  It’s probably something I forgot to say, but in the first email I said that I promised myself that I won’t lie.  If I promised you, I wouldn’t lie but I know that’s impossible because I really don’t know when I lie, but if it’s really obvious I would know if I lied, but sometimes I lie in hopes that you notice that I do lie but you always take the label of lying as me making you not believe in me, but then again that email was to you so I guess I’m still lying so never mind this whole paragraph.

I don’t get it.  You’re mom and grandma looks down on you, and treats your brother better than you?  You’re dad is giving money to your brother so he can go to school?  Your boyfriend doesn’t even want to look at your face when you talk?  I don’t get it.  I don’t get why these people, supposed to be close to you, sharing the same blood, and sharing a future together.  I don’t get why you’re still so effing kind to everyone. Marites has a job and you don’t… it must be discouraging how you can’t treat her more than she deserves because I know you would.  You’re friends… you lost a couple yet you value them so much.  But they severed ties.  I really don’t see why you don’t hate the world more than you should, but you probably do, yet you are so kind.  Maybe that is what intrigues me the most about you and maybe that’s why I love or like you or obsessive compulsive with you or whatever.

I didn’t want to end the friendship that time.  I didn’t mean to, the “yup” just came out of embarrassment.  But you left, and I was sad, so I let it go but I emailed you back right after but you didn’t get the email. I meant to kill off any feelings you had for me if you did, and I wanted to kill those feelings from me thinking that it won’t hurt so much if I did that but it didn’t work. I tried to make you hate me, and maybe if you hated me, I wouldn’t love you anymore.  But I was wrong, and it backfired and made you hate me instead of me hating you.  I never wanted to say goodbye that time.  What I meant by that thing was to not like you that way anymore, and I chose to move on. But you were too quick in saying goodbye and I was too slow and embarrassed to say “wait.”

The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it.  It was something new, and I tried it out as a reversed psychology affect.  I failed to do so, because it’s still a lie or whatever I guess.  You didn’t respond to any of my other emails so I tried something different so I can talk to you again.

I guessed I still assumed stuff.  I kept thinking about assuming, and the questions as separate thoughts I guess.  But I realized that they are correlated.  When I assume something, that’s when I ask the question instead of just admitting what I assume, I should ask the question.  I just realized this, and I’m slow like that.  Sorry.

I hate talking about myself.  I hate randomly talking about myself.  I talked to other people in hopes I gained the experience to finally face you and talk to you better.  I realized that after I had lost contact with you, I gave up talking about myself to other people.  I did for a few days, but after that I gave up.  I hate it.  Maybe I hate talking about myself because I really don’t know myself and I know I’ll contradict myself somehow. And I know I feel awkward when I talk about myself. I like talking in person better.  And I like talking like a little kid online.  I think I annoy you with my facial expression icons, which make me, look like a little kid.  I don’t know why I do that.  I guess it’s because I am a little kid.  Maybe it’s space filler because I don’t like making things really silent.  And I know I have to talk to you very carefully, and sometimes I think I think too much when I talk to you, because since you like honesty I think that you won’t believe my honest opinion so I tell you a lie maybe that you will believe because it sounds more believable thinking that you’ll think that what I said is a lie and think of the opposite.  Basically I think that you think of reverse psychology but maybe it’s me who thinks of reverse psychology but I think it’s what I think after my first thought that makes it reverse psychology, but I do my best to choose my words carefully especially in emails.  It’s hard for me to listen and remember what you say, I don’t know why, maybe there are other thoughts that I think of that blocks the thought I’m supposed to think of when you talk to me to make me think of something that you want me to think of though its blocked because of my other thoughts that I’m thinking of at the same time so I don’t think of what you say to me and it comes up superficial in my mind, mixed with some of the thoughts I’m thinking of and thoughts that you want me to think of and thoughts that I think you want me to think of that is really not what you want me to think of so what you want me to think of goes right over my head or I interpret it different because it’s mixed with other thoughts in my head going on at that time which might also be the reason why I prefer email. Or it could be the lead from the toys in my room that lowers my IQ everyday.

I did not plan to distance myself.  It’s what I called it, because of course it’s what I would do if I want to get over you, right?  And wouldn’t you expect me to do that?  I thought we were still friends.  I know when we’re not, because I can feel the resentment when you’re mad at me, it’s when you just say “hi” to me, but it really felt like we were okay with each other because things looked back to the way they once were a little.  I’d talk to you once in a while so I’d still be a friend, and you can still talk to me since I’m there.   I wish you could’ve just told me that you didn’t want me to see you in buddy chat. I thought we were okay that time, I’ve never had a close friend before you, and I don’t initiate talks.  I would think that if I talked to you, it was only because I liked you that way and I didn’t want you to think that, in addition to that I didn’t want to cause any trouble.  We’d be like regular friends, and eventually we’d drift apart.  I didn’t think you would still want to be my friend that way, as really close friends.  I really wouldn’t mind being a friend on the sidelines though.

I don’t tell you when you hurt me, because it’s my fault for feeling hurt in the first place. I’m the man or male if I’m not manly enough, in this.   I’m supposed to take it, and fix it I think.

I’m trying to figure out why I lie impulsively as well.  I think last week, you were talking to Sophia about me, which triggered my black out, and made me say some things.  I snapped back as soon as I figured you told Sophia some things, but afterwards I felt it was okay for you to do so since that’s what you do, you talk about problems even if it’s meant to ruin another’s reputation.  I don’t talk about people, I try my best not to, but I guess I should after meeting you.  I told Myra and Sophia that we weren’t good friends anymore, and that’s it. You taught me that it’s better to talk about my problems, so I tried, but they didn’t really care.  Maybe it’s only you who’s good to talk to about problems. And I told Jen recently.  She really wants us to be friends again too, and I want to be friends again too, even if we’re not really good friends like your other good friends. I only told them that we’re not friends anymore.  You can tell them the details if they ask or if it bothers you.

I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it’s all I felt like saying at the moment.  I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn’t know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn’t help it and express myself like that, I’m not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.

I was shy before, I think I’m still shy now, but it really depends on who I’m with.  I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend’s shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.  I brought my old personality of being quiet and shy back from when I was in middle school and my first years in high school.  I’m still shy; I don’t talk out loud in class or whatever, only when I know I can talk.  I talk loud when I read to the class, but when I talk individually people can’t hear me sometimes. I am quiet and loud.  It really all depends on who I’m with.  When I’m around quiet and shy people, I can be myself, which makes me “loud”.  When I’m with intimidating looking people, I get quiet.  It’s how I am.  I am confused as well, because I wish I can be comfortable in every situation I’m in.

I am shy.  I am shy revealing my true self to the world.  I keep a happy mask on.   I remember you said you don't like people like that, but it's just me, and I'm sure later on, the mask will uncover and I can be my true self everywhere with time and experience. I like my happy mask though sometimes because it helps me deal with people and situations. I don’t know, I’m still learning.

I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn’t.  My brother can take being alone, and other people can take being alone, but I can’t take being alone.  People are different, but I know I am not an introvert, because I can’t be alone.

You hate me because of tangents I make.  I’ll try to connect them.  I’m not blaming you for anything.  That one time… I guess it was because I wanted to show you that I valued talking to you above doing my homework. Why do you feel that I blame you so much? I don’t.  But it’s my fault for thinking what you’re thinking because what you’re really thinking is not what I’m thinking your thinking is.

I was sarcastic when I said “I don’t think you noticed either” and she said “I didn’t think so too”, but I just let it go anyway.  It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we’d talk about it again. That and I also felt that you were joking when you said “I don’t think you noticed either”.  It’s something small so it doesn’t matter I guess, so I was like “okay,” after that conversation.

I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me.  I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse.  I think it over sometimes, I don’t know why I give stuff out.   I guessed I questioned myself after giving things out.  I second-guessed myself, and I figured it was because I liked the attention?  I don’t know, I wonder what your answer would be if you ask yourself the same question.  It’s really out of impulse.  I’d like to think that there’s a reason, but there isn’t, I just do it.  I thought that I did give stuff out to make people like me, I think I give more stuff out when they do like me, but I gave random stuff out to random people before and I regret it. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don’t give him things.

I’m doing my best to not be shallow or superficial.  Actually, I only fell once really hard to a girl IRL (she was taller than me too), the rest had been online.  But I am shallow and superficial.  I laugh at racist jokes, and I laugh at things that I see that look funny.

I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way.

I have friends, but I never keep any so close.  I don’t talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well.  I’m afraid that if I open myself too much, I won’t sound real.

I am not satisfied when you’re angry at me.  I’d rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.  You’re angry at me, and I really don’t want you to be angry, and I think the only way is to apologize, and I’ll do my best to make it up, I was trying but I messed up again, but I really don’t mean it and I’m willing to make up for it.

I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true.  Maybe that makes me confused too.

I’m sarcastically stupid.  I mean things like sonny’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn’t know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn’t say anything afterwards. And that Obama thing… I didn’t read about Obama, you’re supposed to laugh a little.  But I told you already that I can’t make you laugh but I guess I tried.

I don’t believe in the Zodiac, but I laugh at how it gets all the traits humans have in common, and changes it up with each sign.  And then, it fills in the remaining signs with moon, rising, etc. with the ones it does not mention.  That’s how I think it is, but its funny how things turned up and such. I have fun comparing it to people. It’s a conversation starter for me.  First thing I usually ask someone is their birth date.  And BTW your moon sign is Gemini, it says the first thing the moon sign in Gemini people do is talk things out if you moon Gemini people have a problem and it’s so true, so I find that interesting, because it looks like you talk things out too.

I remember I said that everything I said to you was a lie.  I think it’s because I’m not confident with what I say.  I’m so vague in my descriptions.  I do things, and hope that you understand, but it’s all my fault.

It’s obviously my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.  I never said directly that we shouldn’t be friends anymore; it just came out of embarrassment that time, when you blocked me.  I try out different things a lot, and I damage my image this way, as well as my relationships with others.  I’m not sure what it is. I don’t think its curiosity.  I’m a victim of my own test… I think I would do stuff to see if you’d still like me as a friend if I did bad stuff I guess. No one wants a bad friend though.  I can’t repair what I did, but I really hope that you understand that I miss you. I never had a friend like you.

I get annoyed with myself as well, because I keep thinking that you might like me back that way.  I know you don’t and I’m doing my best to convince myself that you never will. It’s my fault.  I guess I’m too excited all the time. I would understand why you wouldn’t like me; I probably wouldn’t even like myself.

Anyways, I’ll think more, I know I have good memory and I’ll try to think up something that you may think I lied in.

I can’t help but get the feeling… that if I can’t even revive this, then I’ll never change. It’s my fault.  I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said. I continue to do so, and I probably will.  I mean what I say though; I told you before that I’m an impulsive liar.

If I can’t talk to you and if I can’t revive this friendship, I’ll contradict the statement I said about being friends forever, and I know you don’t like my contradictions.  That and that you’re one of the best friends I ever had.  I don’t open up to anyone really.  I try to, but even then it’s not even considered opening up since you didn’t even consider me opening up to you.  I’ve been trying ever since I met you to open up to people, and no one even cares.  I guess I bothered you by talking to you when you were away and then I guess I ran away because I thought you were really away but I waited until you unaway’d but I couldn’t wait because I’m impatient and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to just say hi and run away. I thought I was leaving a message, like how people do to phones but it shouldn’t matter because I didn’t return people’s calls either before.

Thank you for reading.  I know it won’t change your frustration.  But I can see why.  I don’t expect you to ever open up to me again. I don’t mind if you don’t. But I really don’t want you to be angry at me, or feel any anger and disappointment.  I don’t understand you, and you don’t understand me. But I’m trying my best and I won’t run away even if you’re away already.

-Jas

PS- Yesterday in the library while I was studying, I wrote notes on my thoughts.  It’s not what I want to say, but I’ll record it here:

Who the hell told you I like you coz you’re happy all the time.

I’ll keep giving you stuff so I won’t create that inconsistency that you don’t want. You only said that you’re not going to talk to me. I’m allowed to assume, right? You’re trying to create inconsistencies out of me, right? You’re trying to make me a hypocrite, right?  You’re not talking to me.  So I guess its okay to assume.  I’m trying to connect the pieces.

I’m not giving up.  You think I was mad at you?  I am probably a little kid.  I am a little kid.  You can treat me like a little kid.  Or maybe, I’m a little girl.  I always wanted to be your friend.  I meant to make you hate me because I was screaming for attention.  Or I missed the attention. I know you don’t like losing friends.  We’re not friends but I know you don’t like losing people you used to know.

I really don’t want to hurt you though. But I know by just saying “lie” hurts you. My expressions are much more obvious in person really. It just doesn’t work online and I have to learn how to make it seem less harsh or whatever.

Yet, though you may seem so miserable, you stand strong.  You are still so fucking nice.  How much more nice would you be if you had the necessities?  That is why I believe you are genuine.  I never told you all this, my assumptions about you, because it’s an assumption, and I don’t know how to start conversations like these. I may be in denial.  Ignorance is bliss after all.

I still feel like everything I said is a lie, even though it’s not.  Maybe it’s because this is directed to you, who I know loses trust very easily after a lie, with my first true lie as moving on (first gay thing doesn’t count because it was all reverse psychology that shouldn’t be considered as lying since it’s obvious that you should get but you didn’t know me well then)

Thank you for bearing with this email.  I probably repeated a lot of things; I got lost in it a couple of times. Thank you for putting up with me for seven months.  Thank you for teaching me about love and friendship.  Thank you for opening up to me. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Thank you for making me a better writer (I think I improved after writing these kinds of stuff).

I’m sorry. I’ve been told that I haven’t lived life if I did not follow my heart.  So I’ve decided to live by following my heart. And I’m following my brain a little too. Actually everything is all from the little part of my brain I think. Yeah probably is from my brain since I think I’m a bad person.  Or I am a bad person.  I don’t know anymore.

You’ll never understand me, and you’ll never know me.