Conversations today left a bitter taste in my mouth.

The most recent one was with this Jehovah's witness.  I had a good experience conversing with one last time, so I thought this one would go well.  But it didn't.  The old man was like a possessed brick.  I could not sense any sentiment in his eyes.  A suffocating feeling.  I would not like to experience that again, and I am happy to say that I recluse myself from all people, especially people like that.

Did Franz Kafka really say "A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die."?  (Well of course he did not say it in English, it was translated from German.)

AND ANOTHER THING

Regarding 1Q84.

Not as engaging as his others' because it is in 3rd POV.

AND... I think he should have just ended it on volume 2.  It should have not ended with Tengo and Aomame meeting each other... should have made them search for each other for all eternity!  Just like how I am waiting for her. 

Of course she could not understand my actions.  SHE'S LEFT HANDED.  I am so dumb. And one of the reasons why I like her is because she is left handed.

YEAY I HAD A DREAM ABOUT HER.

It wasn't a good dream though, but whatever.

I always think that when I have a dream about someone, that same person has a dream about me too.

So I am hoping she had a dream about me...

The things that I was ever good at didn't matter to me.

So it didn't matter at all.

WOAH WAKE UP CALL.  SHOULD HAVE NOT STALKED.  SHE LOOKS SO CUTE.  FK, /fail stalk

I have also finished 1Q84.  It's not my favorite, but there are memorable parts that I would like to reread.  I would not want to read the whole thing again though, it is way too long, and the parts I do like happen only once every 200 pages.  I will list my favorite moments later.  The passages I would read over and over that I have to keep in mind.  And mostly, they pertain to her. 

I should stop reading Murakami.  Seriously. It's like, what I am getting most from it is self-destruction, with a mix of wishful illusions.  It's indirectly telling me that I must hold on to her.  Practically, I should not.  But it feels so natural to do so... I think I would still be in the same position even if I did not read Murakami anyway.  But these books help me cope, so much.  I would probably be dead without it.  I guess it's like a friend, because I do not have a friend to talk to, this book is like a friend who would have the same effects that a friend would have, excluding the hugging, the facial expressions, and the randomness... well, writing that was depressing, I really do need friends.

Anyways... I think I should just be a nurse. Lol, I'm too old to do anything new.  If only I looked older, my mind wouldn't say that I am young, and that there are countless possiblities.

Not that I really cared about any possibilities in my life.  I am perfectly comfortable where I am at, but it could be better.  I've never really like doing anything.

If only she was really a libra, that her views are of justice and if only I did not gravitate to how I believed I myself needed the same justice, if only she didn't like that other guy she probably would trust me, because I wouldn't do anything silly.  It was all anger that messed me up.  I should always remember that nothing is fair.  "Eye for an eye" they say, and I thought I was doing justice, but it was a misunderstanding and it backfired.  I really think this was the reason, and I could never explain it, I don't think she would have understand.

Three months later...

So what is there to gain?

I should have responded you and your friendship because you are important.  fml

But she should know.