Three months later...

So what is there to gain?

I should have responded you and your friendship because you are important.  fml

But she should know.

So at first when I saw her new picture in her instagram, my reaction was WHO IS SHE SHOWING HER BARE ARMS TO.  She never posts public pictures revealing her bare arms.  Okay, that's it, she must have moved on, most definitely moved on...

But my brother said it's 100 degrees down there, so now I am like... okay, that makes sense.

Sometimes I think I am so attracted to her because of how she repels me.  Is that why I like her?  Because she doesn't like me, and deep in my conscience I don't like me either, and that's why?  Or is it because I am attracted by how I think she's smart: in not liking me back, not trusting me because I am not trustworthy, because that's how I see myself... unreliable with emotional crescendos.

Maybe I can move on if I like myself deep down.  Which is impossible!  It's in my nature to be humble. But then again, I said deep down.  Past the shallowness of humble-ality.

Now laughter looks ugly.  I can't laugh at things I usually laugh at anymore.  Laughing looks sick.

 Instant information is not for me. I prefer to search library stacks because when I work to learn something, I remember it.
-Harper Lee

I take it back, 1Q84 is good, I am just not addicted to it like a Harry Potter book.  But it's thought provoking and makes me self-reflect.  Food for my soul.

I like how Aomame refrains from being in a relationship, and that she can survive knowing that she has loved someone in the past and will continue loving him even if she never sees him again.  I am a huge fan of one loves like this... also she hopes she'll cross paths with him in the future, and she believes she will by chance, and if that doesn't happen then it's not meant to be, but she'll continue loving him even if she never sees him again.  So cute, I want to be like that... Lol, I think it's how I'll treat this one girl I like right now, since it's been so long... well, for me it has been.  It has been the longest time I have ever liked someone so far in my life, consistently at least.

...

Anyways, I am so happy she made her instagram public again Lol.

So like... I have no arm hair or chest hair, EVER.  But I have one abnormal strand of hair growing from my nipple (seriously!!!).  And I have like two strands of hair growing around both my nipple, but that's not weird as the strand that is growing from my nipple (like half a centimeter from the nipple dot-ball thing).

No wonder I am not growing.  I see myself as a boy because I have no man hair.

Can't get into 1Q84... I am disappointed with my last two purchases, I think I am done with Murakami... I only really liked The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, A Wild Sheep Chase, Dance Dance Dance, and Norwegian Wood, but only because I was in the process of either getting over this girl, holding on, or chasing after her, and I have already did all the holding on and chasing I can do.  I am tired, and hopefully the far future has a place for the love I have yearning for her.  Or I can take what I gathered in retrospect and become a dark loner who hates everybody and any sign of affection given to me, and not trusting anyone ever again.

I feel ten times older when I have really short hair and it bothers me.  How about when I really turn old... that'll bother me so much.  Well, maybe not if I destroy all mirrors, and anything else that can show a reflection.

blehasdf