I feel that I will never write unless I actually write it.  Everywhere I go I feel like I have to blog about it.  Feel. But I end up not blogging about it.  And so days pass, and the memory and feelings I've had dissipate, only keeping that essential feeling you get, when you look back at it.  For example, let's say i ate pizza today, and for some reason, that memory, that specific memory at 2p.m., July 25th, is exactly "I ate pizza."  That's what I will remember it by along with a split of a split second of a scenery to go along with that quote.  Maybe a little bit of the setting, like it was a sunny hot day, and I was eating pizza.  But what I will not remember, is that I took a bite,  sipped through my straw to get a taste of Fanta Orange, and took another bite, with the next bite tasting more like Orange Soda.  I will not remember it like that.  I'll just remember a flash of "I ate pizza" with the scenery formed in my mind of a sunny hot day.

But that is not what I am going to write about today.  I have been putting it off for a month, but what I really want to write about is a review of my school year.  It was my last foreseen full school year (because I am unsure  if I will pursue school further as of now), since I only have a quarter left.

Mostly, it was about feeling like a member of society.  I had friends.  I had actual people to talk to the whole year, and I looked forward to it everyday.  My year went by so fast this way.  It's like life is fast when you are enjoying your time.

Regarding material that I have learned in school, I feel that nothing taught to me stuck with me.  Quotes from Professors stuck a bit (you can't cover the truth!, life isn't so bad afterall, blah blah etc.), but I feel that real knowledge, knowledge that I integrate with my personality in everyday social performances with friends stem from novels I've read, and books. And Tumblr posts.

Even though I look back on it, I feel that I was never really there when it happened.  I feel that I never experienced the friends that I experienced.  It's vague, it created a few memories, happy memories and I'll remember my happy moments (note to self: pina colada, Accounting, White Girl).  I'll admit, I'm addicted to the internet.  So when I was out there in the real world, it felt unreal.  Like a dream that I vaguely remember but remember enough to picture it in my head.  I feel that my real world and my real problems are online.  Because the girl I am in love with is online. And she hates me.  For two years. 

I met one of my online friends in real life and it felt like the most realist things in the world. It was also the first time I was so decisive with something I want.  Usually it's like... "it's okay, you don't have to" but this time, I was like "let's go to AX.. let's go, let's go... let's go. I want to go"  It meant so much to me so standing in line in the heat for four hours, undergoing the rigorous process of using the phone (dialing a number and just calling is hard for me to do), just to meet my friend felt so real and I felt the best I had ever felt in a while.  It meant so much to me, and I knew it would since I stayed up all night the night before thinking about it. Thoughts that I couldn't stop but kept flowing, useless thoughts that just kept repeating.

Back then, before she hated me we were a trio.  The one I love, and my friend, and I met up with my friend who met up with the one I love a few minutes before I met my friend.  But I feel at peace now, because I have witness the direct link.  I talked to my friend in person, who talked to my "ex-friend who hates me now" in person. We are all connected, and that lifts me up a bit.  I don't care if anything else happens, and I shouldn't.  I should feel satisfied with just that, and I am still friends with my friend.  Even though I am not friends with my ex-friend who hates me now, I am still connected to her this way.

On another note, I think one of my biggest problems is having a big ego, but being really stupid at the same time.  It is also my birthday next week. I am going to write every day from now on. And I will keep my word.  Just like how Genghis Khan does it.

I am in Southern California for three more days.

Highlight of the trip... or highlight of the year actually, is the meeting of my online friend.  First online friend I ever met in person! She's adorable!

 Unfortunately I met her when I had a black tooth, was awake for 41 hours (made me look like a zombie), and burnt by the sun from waiting in line from the sun for four hours (messed up my skin and hair).

Treat everyone like they are going to die tomorrow.

Yeay I got another "are you under 20?" comment (by someone younger than me).

I hate people too easily

I can't focus on life anymore.

Certainly I was okay before I met her.  I handled things well, hence, why I am still alive today.  If I was not okay, I would be dead. Or did I get that wrong?

Being not okay should not mean that you are dead.

Anways.

But what did I actually do before I met her?

Oh, that's right.  I was waiting for someone like her to come into my life.

One of the most lonliness feelings:

Realizing that I am not home.

Ew it's May

It has been almost two years.  I am still attached.  But whatever.  It has always been like this.

Always been like this, meaning before the almost two years, and after the almost two years.

It was so much better almost two years ago.