Dammit! my emotions are so fking obvious..

I think I blog because... I think I'm dying, or going to die soon.

When I die, I won't think anymore.. and my body chooses which of those thoughts to type... so this is my thought sanctuary I guess?  Maybe that's why I keep a blog and I try to capture as many feelings, attempting to record and describe that "heavy emotion" (I think the Japanese have a word for this...)  Is it because the thought of dying is why we have to "progress" by writing or even talking everything out?

Why I feel like such a failure

I never have one of those days where I do everything I wanted to so orderly and perfectly.  I never have a real day like in Harvest Moon, when you feed all your chickens, milk all the cows, hold the dog, drop the items in the shipping bin,  give flowers to get a green heart, and just fish for the remainder of the day.

Or maybe I'm such a failure because I'm comparing it to a friggin video game.  And video games are just that.

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Sometimes I think it's better to watch normal people doing everyday things than watching those in television, or reading about them in a magazine... actually maybe it's always better.

It should be okay if I get all anxious, it's a natural part of me, and I should be okay if it happens to me.  The more the better actualy so I can get used to it when it actually starts happening... but I'm still scared of it happening to me.

HOLY FUCK

So I was on Facebook and I creeped up on all the friends I deleted and WTF SOME ARE MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES?!?!?! ALREADY?!?!?!?!

I think I can only talk to her when she was sad... when she's happy, she really doesn't need me. And I feel that she doesn't need me.  Well, she seems happy, and I guess it's time for me to seriously start moving on...  it's been this way for awhile.  I've just been super stupid.

I honestly don't believe that I care what other people think of me.  It's just that I'm anxious about being anxious.  I don't want my voice to start to shake again, nor do I want to share things that I half-ass'd. At least, from all of this, I can advance mentally instead of always retracting or staying the same.  What I learned was to always prepare.  Preparation is the most important in building confidence, and to prevent situations that I know I don't want happening.  Now if only I can just... engage in preparing then I'm all good.  But procrastination feels so much more natural... ah.

I think I have this disorder.  It's called Essential Tremor.

I really can't control certain situations... just two days ago, I was randomly chosen to read my thesis for a paper, and I couldn't speak at all, I felt I sounded retarded, or really wimpy and fobby, but I couldn't control it... thinking back, it happened to me serveral times.  In Microbiology, I failed pippeting into this tube because my hands wouldn't stop shaking.  I was teaching one time, and my hands started shaking, and my voice shakes... gahh this is so embarrassing.

I did a little research though, and it says what I already know: reducing sugar, getting more sleep, and excercising regularly. Also, I think I truly do need more exposure.  Exposure around people, and just talking more.  Having friends definitely helps, but it's overwhelming (I had TWO friends in ONE day yesterday).  It's all because I'm scared.  It's fear.  (Or did my anxiety come before fear?)  All I can do now is prepare... I just want to stop shaking and stuff and once I get past my fears I think I can be super cool.