Oh fuck I should have forseen after those bursts of happiness comes a depression hell.

... but I sound so flirty when I talk... sigh, MAYBE I NEED A GIRLFRIEND so that it shows that I'm just talking and I just want to be friends..

SIGH IF ONLY I CAN GET OVER HER. But I refuse to let go...

And maybe I'm not letting go because of my pride... I'm reading this book.  This passage stuck me.

It wasn’t only Otohiko’s appearance that had changed. He had become closed and cautious, somehow, as it is so often with people who have desperately sought to preserve their pride, even as some cruel, twisted fate pursues them. (Banana Yoshimoto, n.p.)

The line I bolded struck me. I think I've always had really high pride but I sucked at everything... therefore everything I ever did hurt so much, and because of that I've became such a recluse...

Forgot how fun it was to talk and mess around with people...

I FEEL SO FREE.

I think I'll feel "grown-up" once I conquer several of these childhood fears.

I wonder if the thought of "I wonder if he has killed himself yet" crosses her mind

Weird Dreams

Dream 1:  Happened two days ago.

I was with my mom, and apparently she wasn't with my dad anymore.  Throughout the dream I assumed he died, and so I didn't mind my mom flirting with this other guy who looks like my dad.  My mom doesn't even flirt at all in nondreams... she's really conservative and stays home all day.  Anyways, but I didn't mind it because the guy had my dad's personality.  Then a guy who was actually my dad appeared, but he didn't look like my dad (somehow in the dream I felt he was my dad though) but he was actually my dad... my mom was talking to me how attracted she was to the guy who she was flirting, and I slapped her and her glasses fell off (she doesn't even wear glasses).  And so she continued talking about how attracted she was to the guy who wasn't my dad.  I slapped her again.  I kept slapping her like five times in a row.  In the dream I really really really wanted to beat the shit out of her.

Reminds me what I felt when I was with my friend whom I really liked.  She talked about other guys... I don't know if she knew I liked her so much at the time.

Dream Zero:  Happened like five days ago, when I was in SoCal again.

We were in a tunnel.  I was with my super smart younger cousin, and I kicked this ball into the back of this garbage truck.  The garbage truck then turned around, and the ball fell out.  I forgot the details, but somehow it reminded me of "her".

Dream 2:  Happened last night, divided in two parts...:

First part, I was talking to her about how I was going to transfer to her college and we were actually "together"... we started making future plans. Then stuff happens and somehow..

I end up in a park, with all her online friends looking how I imagined them to be.  I was stalking her in real life, and I thought I was invisible... but she looked at me, and I felt that she knew it was me even though I think I was invisible.

Reality:

One more month until her birthday... I am freaking out.  It's been 10 months and we still haven't talked.  I have not moved on.

WTH, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE.

DOESN'T MY STALKING SCREAM "I MISS YOU!!" ?!?!?!

Life gets worse and worse as you get older... mentally and physically, especially physically...

The only thing you can do, is not realize it.