Life is Too Long

I think because life is too long, we feel that we have so much time to "make the most out of it", or at least, think about making the most out of it.

If life was short, we'd be content with how it is already...  because there's not much that everyone can actually do in that short amount of time...

?!?!!

It's still too early.  Going back to bed.

How to Feel Better When You're At Home

-Imagine yourself away from home.  Really imagine it.  This should make you wish you were at home, and so by being actually at home, you'll feel better that you are home.

I probably just imagined myself doing my best and giving it all...

but most likely, I did not.  It was all in my mind, in actuality meaning nothing at all.

I don't know if I should work towards being happy or more sad...

If I"m happy, she might see that I'm doing fine without her, thus she'll feel bad because I don't need her anymore since I can be happy without her...

If I'm sad, she might not want to talk to a sad loser, and I'll have no chance at all, and it'll show that I'm so incompetent...

This sucks!  I guess I can show both... like... HI, I'm SO SAD ^___^.
Ugh!

Ugh I want this day to be over already...

Being dedicated in waiting for something that will never come hurts a lot too.

Having memories of something that other people were supposed to remember but do not remember kind of hurts too.

Hope I fall asleep and never wake up.

And I hope I have another heart warming dream tonight.

Last night I cried myself to sleep.  I always get so anxious before my birthday.  The anticipation is so overwhelming to me... because I know no one will greet me, or even remember when my birthday is.  I guess it's partly my fault.  I don't really tell anyone when my birthday is.  But still, it's like when my birthday comes, it's a reminder of how no one really cares about me.  Usually, when I think of birthdays, I think of parties with friends getting together... but when I think of my birthday, I think of just staying on my bed covered in my blankets. But it's my fault... the way I am, I expect people to do things for me without me asking.  Maybe knowing that I have the full ability to change hurts more than the actual event itself...

I woke up crying.  But I wasn't sad.  I was kind of uplifted.  I had a dream I was walking around my high school campus (and it didn't even look like my high school campus) with a friend... she wasn't even a close friend, and I never even had feelings for her.  She was just a good person to talk to sometimes and gave bad advice, but she was a cool person I guess... and it made me happy just being with her, and following her around.  We had errands to do together that included lifting this weird huge table which was this hall pass (we never even had hall passes in high school... or even elementary school).  So yeah, we delivered that huge table, and my high school english teacher was happy to receive one of the large hall passes... and her classroom was in the multipurpose room (we didn't even have a multipurpose room in high school...) and my friend took a seat, and I sat next to her.  Such a weird dream.   The atmosphere was so light though, very gold-like.  Maybe it's an indication that weather plays an important role in my mood swings?