You know why I'm having such a terrible time moving on?

There was no fucking closure.

Be considerate fucking idiot.

What we're all trying to achieve is a desired STATE OF MIND.

Is that right?

I hope she knows that there are friends there for her that's willing to be by her side forever.  I've talked to her, I think I know her...  she doesn't like me anymore, but I'm willing to change to the person she would like to be with once again.

I don't think I changed. I was always the same person, but during that short time span, something happened. Something that I did.

But I just want her to know that I'm there for her.  I just can't because she doesn't want me to, but for some reason I still think that she'd like me to...

So all I can do is sit here and wait.

But she doesn't want me to... I don't know what she wants.  She still refuses to talk to me.  But I'll wait.

Must.  Respect.  Her.  Descision.

She just said I was too calm... she didn't say anything else... I was just too calm, then she left without saying anything... what did I do...

I could only think back and hurt myself by reminding myself of memories as I try to suffocate myself with this blanket over me, holding my knees.

I need to get away.

"The harder you try, the harder you fall"

No... it was all my fault.  I should've just talked to her... I should have fixed it immediately.  I should know that she's the avoidant from the beginning... when I first met her she was really avoidant, she's supposed to be naturally avoidant... why couldn't I think of that.

In academics, I don't think I could have done any better than I did when I was in high school.  I think that if I were to start again, I'd be completely absorbed in my reading, even if I did it in leisure time.  But I take way too many breaks, and because of that, I won't reach any deadlines.  I think this is important for me to soak in what I'm reading. Reading takes way too long for me, and I wouldn't be able to finish any assignments...

Or am I just justifying why I am so incompetent compared to everyone else?  Yes, I think that's it.

Flowers for Algernon

I've started reading Flowers for Algernon.  That short story stayed with me after reading the short version in 8th grade.  I've always wanted to read the full novel or watch the movie, but I never got the chance until now.  I found the book at the recycling center (along with a few Shonen Jump magazines and a fair condition Agatha Christie novel).

So far, a quote that stood out to me the most, is on page 50, "Now I understand one of the important rasons for going to college and getting an education is to learn that the things you've believed in all your life aren't true, and that nothing is what it appears to be."

I think that's the change that I feel within me.  The change in my perspective on things is not because I've been practicing writing with my left hand to activate my right hemisphere in my brain when I'm bored in class.  It's from what I've been actually learning in class.  But that's all that I'll say about what I think of that quote.  I'm embracing my pessimism even more now.