Tip of the Day

Just do it, because no matter how you're feeling, once you do it, you'll get into it, and all the negative energy will dissipate.

It was a coincidence...

I think its a coincidence now.  From what I gathered:

-She only likes and favorites videos on YouTube and she doesn't check her comment page.  Her old "About Me" is still there, and it looks as if she doesn't comment other people's pages.

-She recently added me to her ignored list on Gaia after she read my messages... I don't get it.

-But she started blogging again and deleted that one post right after I posted that YouTube comment.  But then again, it really doesn't look like she's tracking whoever is viewing her blog.   Maybe she just deleted it because she wasn't feeling that other guy anymore, or something happened between them.  Whatever it was though, it has to be a LoL guy, and from stalking her games she hasn't been playing with any of the people she usaually does in a constant basis anymore.

It's really difficult... why can't she just talk to me.  Oh yeah, she's a bad friend.

I really need to learn how to get rid of ideas.  Maybe the ideal kind of love I want really isn't ideal.  Maybe it's just meant to happen without anything that I always looked for.

Anyways, I'm going to get mad at her after the first week of July, if we don't make any contact by then.  May and June should be spent on research... (aka, reading Shingeki no Kyojin, specifically looking into Mikasa, and playing LoL, and perhaps reading more Psychology books, and studying her old blog and stuff).

So difficult too, because of her unconscious.  Why did she decide to fall in the hands of the White Guy?  It just doesn't match her ideal self.  Maybe that physicality really is a basic need, just like food.  I don't think she resists food so she doesn't resist guys like that I guess.  Sigh.  Everything is just so complicated.

From what she shows though, it really looks like she wants to just get away from me... but it's making me feel so sad and mad at the same time, because I really invested in her, put my time on her, and I was happy too... I'm never happy, but she made me happy.  I really want to show how much I hate her... but did I ever show how much I loved her?  I don't know anymore.  It's been so long.. and what if she hasn't been receiving how I've been trying to talk to her once every two weeks?

What if she sees that I just given up back then, and she never saw me try hard to become her friend again and that she's been over it for so long...

This really really... is pathetic of me.

I hope I die somehow tomorrow.

Well, I have to sleep now.  What an unproductive day.  I mean, week.  Er, month.  Or year... or life.  What an unproductive life.

I hope I die in my sleep.

I feel that I don't deserve being hurt and heartbroken so consecutively, and at the same time I feel that I don't deserve to be happy either...

I really do think that I'm better off dead.

So yeah, please pray that I die in my sleep.

... and it's not like she was ever interested in me in the first place.

10 Day Challenge, Day 3

3. Eight ways to win your heart


1. Be her

2. Because

3. She won my heart already.

4. I don't want.

5. Anyone.

6. Else.

7. So yeah,

8. You have to be her.

In a realistic perspective though, I'll never be with her.

-When a girl doesn't fix her hair while walking past you. Less than slash three.

-Last two days of June, I have to get to SoCal somehow...

-I have to study her ideal self, and then once we get back (because we will if I don't give up), I can help her become her ideal self...

-I realize that I don't hate her, I only hate her absence.

-I noticed that from a very young age, my ears dilate to everyone around me, so I was always naturally self-conscious.  It might not be a good idea to inhabit an overstimulating area such as a large classroom.

10 Day Challege, Day 2

2. Nine things about yourself

1.  I appear introverted but I'm just a failed extrovert.

2.  I stay home and sleep all day.

3.  I learn from my mistakes in my head only, becase I make the same mistakes again anyway.

4.  I like puns.

5.  I enjoy long showers.

6.  I have really unstable mood changes.

7.  I think I have a XXY chromosome, which prevents me to feel confident about myself.

8.  I laugh at random times.

9.  I'm in love but she hates me and hasn't said anything to me in a time longer than how long we've been friends.

10.  My favorite book is The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. 

When talking I should...

When I'm talking I should start with...

This is what I think:

This is how I feel:

It really opens up conversations, ones that I'm satisfied with at least.

"Hi! What team do you want to win?"

What I think:  I think I  want the Spurs should win because I want to see the Spurs face the Heat.  I want Duncan to have another ring,.. though I'm a big fan of Z-Bo.  I feel that this is the Spurs's last chance with Duncan at his best, though with Danny Green and Kawaii Leonard, I think we'll still see them in the playoffs...

How I feel:  BUT I want the Grizzlies to win, because I'm a Z-Bo fan, and its like the end of the contract for all their players, so actually I think I want the Grizzlies to win.

Yeah, I want the Grizzlies to win, because I think Spurs will have a chance at it again next season. I don't know, when does Duncan become a free agent?

10 Day Challenge, Day 1

10 Day Challenge
1. Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now
2. Nine things about yourself
3. Eight ways to win your heart
4. Seven things that cross your mind a lot
5. Six things you wish you'd never done
6. Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
7. Four turn offs
8. Three turn ons
9. Two smileys that describe your life right now
10. One confession

1. Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

1.  Hi.  WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN.  WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME.  If only my heart agreed with my mind I would stop trying.  I should stop trying.  But I think I'm in love with you, and without attaching myself to you, I'll have these really dark thoughts that are painful to me (even though I know I can handle it). Just say something to me... just say that you don't like me.  Just tell me to GTFO.  Just tell me you despise my existence like what this other-person that-told-her-friend-that-she-couldn't-tell-me-in-front-of-my-face

2.  Call, no texting please, I don't have a texting plan.

3.  The only reason why I'm not stopping you from going, or moving down south is that... if you did move down there, I think I'll feel closer to her because she lives down there. 

4.  HAH, you really don't give a shit about me.

5.  OHOHOHOHO, is this why you ditched me on Thursday?!?!

6.  You've changed, ever since you married her... I don't think you're a good match at all.  Sure your income may be up, but other than that, you two are really different, from what I see, and it really looks like she doesn't love you... its just my observations.  I'm not going to tell you this directly though because I don't see you or talk to you everyday.

7.  I think you stopped talking to me because I didn't tell you something.  Oops!

8.  HAH, you really don't give a shit about me either!

9.  aHAHAH, and YOU, don't really give a shit about me either.

10.   Hi, I stalk your Tumblr almost everyday even though we haven't spoken to each other in four years, and talked to for six.  I just genuinely like who you are, that's all.  Please understand that it's not being creepy!

OHOHOHOHOHOHO.

She seems okay for now though... I shouldn't make a move. But she just started summer break... and she's not doing much from what I've researched...

Is now the best time to initiate Phase: GET HER BACK.?

I think I'll send a hate message in the peak of her happiness.

...because I don't want her to be happy without me.