Path from Actual to Ideal self

Is this "Ideal" self an illusion of the mind created by this consumerist and easily influenced society?  Where did I get these ideas of who I wanted to be...

As a kid, I admired the impossible to become.  They are:

Geno.

That's probably it, that I could think of from the top of my head.  I think it's pretty cool actually, and I've always been a Geno fan ever since I opened up the instruction manual of Super Mario RPG when I was eight.  So this is psychologically correct, since its consistent with what I was when I was little (thinking that it's still pretty cool).

I have to somehow connect everything I do to my own philosophy to justify whatever action I do no matter how random the things I do are.

A Random Stage

How a fly feels (but with human emotions) intruding a human's house.  With the residents determined to eliminate it.

#*$& it.

I'm just going to say wassup to everyone I see now.

Stop thinking and say wassup.

Need. To build my social confidence this way.  Also, I need some networking.  Say wassup to whoever I'm passing by, say bless you whenever someone sneezes, and say fuck you to those who talk during lectures.

I'm going to go crazy if I don't try following up on my "ideal" self, and that's not okay.

First step!  ADDING COOL WHITE GIRL ON FACEBOOK.

I think I look like I'm crying when I'm kinda smiling.  This kinda sucks.

Capitalism + Education

I think that this combination has created this new age... I call this new age the Age of Entertainment.

Because of the technology, and the realization of blah blah blah, people now live to be entertained and blah blah blah no more religion, god is dead, blah blah society's collapse, blah blah blah no more fucking morals, no more living in fear... entertainment !

Taking Off the Pressure

I shouldn't be concerned about her liking someone else.  I shouldn't be concerned about the future of us.  I shouldn't be concerned what happens after she becomes my friend again.

The only thing I should be working on is to show that I really do want to be her friend again... or at least just let her into my life again... into my daily routine.

It'll be worth it... it'll be worth it...

Because it was worth it when I had it.

Must Recluse

I think I'll give myself eight days before I send her another letter.... which will be my last.

As patient as I thought I was, I just can't do it anymore.  It's really consuming me, but at the same time its keeping me alive... without it, I'd die, and with it, I'm having a torturous death.

I think it would be better if I send messages to her if I wasn't in love or obsessed with her or whatever... but maybe she really is not the friend I thought she was...  it really hurts how she just ignores me, stops talking to me, and just cuts off communication with me... not even living up to her words that she's there for me.

She wasn't even thankful for me being her friend... never really cared about me at all, really.  Never took her time to just get to know me... it was always me that was interested in her, the more I look back at it.

I really have to let this one go, for my sake.  I want to die a peaceful death.

She's also a liar, and she talks to so many other people... she really does talk to so many other people, and those four months we had together, as special as I thought it was, it was probably just a Tuesday to her.  She probably cherishes those moments like she cherishes her memories of being a one year old baby.  Everything we've been through was meaningless... because she's not showing it...

I don't know.  I just want to die.  Now.  I want to die now. I'm really really tired of all this... I want to hold on, but I can't, too tired. And annoyed.  But more tired than annoyed.  Because I'm used to being annoyed... annoyed for what, 6 months?

And so my heart leaps at the sight at another Tumblr entry or YouTube Like, and the cycle continues...