I think I look like I'm crying when I'm kinda smiling.  This kinda sucks.

Capitalism + Education

I think that this combination has created this new age... I call this new age the Age of Entertainment.

Because of the technology, and the realization of blah blah blah, people now live to be entertained and blah blah blah no more religion, god is dead, blah blah society's collapse, blah blah blah no more fucking morals, no more living in fear... entertainment !

Taking Off the Pressure

I shouldn't be concerned about her liking someone else.  I shouldn't be concerned about the future of us.  I shouldn't be concerned what happens after she becomes my friend again.

The only thing I should be working on is to show that I really do want to be her friend again... or at least just let her into my life again... into my daily routine.

It'll be worth it... it'll be worth it...

Because it was worth it when I had it.

Must Recluse

I think I'll give myself eight days before I send her another letter.... which will be my last.

As patient as I thought I was, I just can't do it anymore.  It's really consuming me, but at the same time its keeping me alive... without it, I'd die, and with it, I'm having a torturous death.

I think it would be better if I send messages to her if I wasn't in love or obsessed with her or whatever... but maybe she really is not the friend I thought she was...  it really hurts how she just ignores me, stops talking to me, and just cuts off communication with me... not even living up to her words that she's there for me.

She wasn't even thankful for me being her friend... never really cared about me at all, really.  Never took her time to just get to know me... it was always me that was interested in her, the more I look back at it.

I really have to let this one go, for my sake.  I want to die a peaceful death.

She's also a liar, and she talks to so many other people... she really does talk to so many other people, and those four months we had together, as special as I thought it was, it was probably just a Tuesday to her.  She probably cherishes those moments like she cherishes her memories of being a one year old baby.  Everything we've been through was meaningless... because she's not showing it...

I don't know.  I just want to die.  Now.  I want to die now. I'm really really tired of all this... I want to hold on, but I can't, too tired. And annoyed.  But more tired than annoyed.  Because I'm used to being annoyed... annoyed for what, 6 months?

And so my heart leaps at the sight at another Tumblr entry or YouTube Like, and the cycle continues...

Theory on Dark Thoughts and Empathy

Maybe everyone has dark and ominous thoughts like me.  Maybe it's deep in the unconscious.  It's just that they are not aware of it... everyone knows life is not a good thing... that's why we use money and love to distort the view on life.  The more money and love people need, the more dark thoughts they have hidden... and because of these dark thoughts, we have empathy and we know what each other is going through.

I just want to know what she thought of me...

Actual to Ideal

Things that I wish I could get from doing school work:

-Gaining courage
-Being able to talk without my whole body shaking
-Being able to do stuff under pressure without having my hands shake
-Not blushing during conversation (or feel an increase in temperature)
-Having a fluid clear, crisp, and loud voice

April Showers, Brings May flowers?

Damn, I've been trying to fix this more than we have been actually friends... this proportion is staggering.

Do I give up?

Hell no, I invested way too much energy and I'm feeling so close... I just have to keep it up.  I have to stay committed.  Then the purpose of my life will be ripe to fruition, and I can finally live my life with courage!

Hopefully these November, December, January, February, March, April showers, finally brings May flowers.