Actual to Ideal

Things that I wish I could get from doing school work:

-Gaining courage
-Being able to talk without my whole body shaking
-Being able to do stuff under pressure without having my hands shake
-Not blushing during conversation (or feel an increase in temperature)
-Having a fluid clear, crisp, and loud voice

April Showers, Brings May flowers?

Damn, I've been trying to fix this more than we have been actually friends... this proportion is staggering.

Do I give up?

Hell no, I invested way too much energy and I'm feeling so close... I just have to keep it up.  I have to stay committed.  Then the purpose of my life will be ripe to fruition, and I can finally live my life with courage!

Hopefully these November, December, January, February, March, April showers, finally brings May flowers.

So now all I can do is wait... must stalk for three weeks straight, and in the side, come up with another lengthy letter...

must give this everything I have, so I can be hurt 100%.  I guess its another form of suicide buahahahaha.

I can only hope that she'll approach me though... she has to...

I'm getting really tired of it all because I can't do it by myself, I really can't, as much as the kind of person I am, the one who tries to do everything himself...

it's really impossible...

Because any sort of relationship takes two people.

Holy Fucking Fuck

I can't believe I lost to a guy who says "good morning sunshine" and "hey beautiful."  What the fuck.  How the fuck did I lose.  Holy fucking fuck.

Maybe I don't understand her because I'm in love with her.

I think I want to hold on...

Because:

1. I love her
2. I don't think of dark thoughts as much

Things that keep me from thinking of dark thoughts:
1. Her
2. Basketball
3. Money

I'm losing it...

I really don't know what to say.  I don't know if I should continue holding on... I don't know if she's moved on, but there's no way to tell.  I think it's the end, and I should stop hoping, and just start talking to new people.  

This is so annoying.

Sucks

That the only way I hear from her is through her blog.