Holy Fucking Fuck

I can't believe I lost to a guy who says "good morning sunshine" and "hey beautiful."  What the fuck.  How the fuck did I lose.  Holy fucking fuck.

Maybe I don't understand her because I'm in love with her.

I think I want to hold on...

Because:

1. I love her
2. I don't think of dark thoughts as much

Things that keep me from thinking of dark thoughts:
1. Her
2. Basketball
3. Money

I'm losing it...

I really don't know what to say.  I don't know if I should continue holding on... I don't know if she's moved on, but there's no way to tell.  I think it's the end, and I should stop hoping, and just start talking to new people.  

This is so annoying.

Sucks

That the only way I hear from her is through her blog.

You know how you can't like someone completely?  Like how they're not entirely good or bad?

I wonder what is it that people don't like about me... and I wonder why I think that, because it shouldn't matter and yet it does.  Maybe this is why I'm such a recluse.

I'm here in Orange County doing nothing when I should be doing my homework.

I could have met her two times already right after we stopped being close.

I am just not interesting in doing what I'm told... this is really bad.

My style of living is really jeopardizing my future, but then again, I've been dead.  It's just this body that's been moving and thinking, but I really feel that "the me" is dead.  There never even was a "me" to begin with...

I am a product of my surroundings and genetics.  That's what "me" should be.  I am always so egocentric though, thinking that I was just much more than that... but I'm not... and it should be okay.

so STUPID

Trying to make her jealous must have been one of the dumbest things I ever done.

Even if she didn't get jealous I'd still go after her anyways.  I think I just pushed her away even further. Not only that, but I feel so fucking guilty.  It's an inconsistency with my own character since I view myself as "honest".

Anyways, at least I can stalk her again. KEKEKEKEKE.