Maybe I don't understand her because I'm in love with her.

I think I want to hold on...

Because:

1. I love her
2. I don't think of dark thoughts as much

Things that keep me from thinking of dark thoughts:
1. Her
2. Basketball
3. Money

I'm losing it...

I really don't know what to say.  I don't know if I should continue holding on... I don't know if she's moved on, but there's no way to tell.  I think it's the end, and I should stop hoping, and just start talking to new people.  

This is so annoying.

Sucks

That the only way I hear from her is through her blog.

You know how you can't like someone completely?  Like how they're not entirely good or bad?

I wonder what is it that people don't like about me... and I wonder why I think that, because it shouldn't matter and yet it does.  Maybe this is why I'm such a recluse.

I'm here in Orange County doing nothing when I should be doing my homework.

I could have met her two times already right after we stopped being close.

I am just not interesting in doing what I'm told... this is really bad.

My style of living is really jeopardizing my future, but then again, I've been dead.  It's just this body that's been moving and thinking, but I really feel that "the me" is dead.  There never even was a "me" to begin with...

I am a product of my surroundings and genetics.  That's what "me" should be.  I am always so egocentric though, thinking that I was just much more than that... but I'm not... and it should be okay.

so STUPID

Trying to make her jealous must have been one of the dumbest things I ever done.

Even if she didn't get jealous I'd still go after her anyways.  I think I just pushed her away even further. Not only that, but I feel so fucking guilty.  It's an inconsistency with my own character since I view myself as "honest".

Anyways, at least I can stalk her again. KEKEKEKEKE.

Train, Chemicals, and People Around My Age

I remember in my Psych class I learned something about when you have a baby you release chemicals that make you less aggressive or something like that... I probably need that.

Today at the BART, there was like a herd of children, probably going on a field trip and they were making so much noise, all the parents and teachers with them kept saying SHHH.  It was so funny, these kids keep talking not knowing what they were talking about, so maybe that translates when they are adults... they don't really know what they're doing, because I remember almost everything I've experienced as a kid.

Well, the funny moments were when this one kid said OBAMA GANGNAM style, and he just kept humming that tune, but the OBAMA killed me.

I also played basketball yesterday, first game I played, I hit the game winner and this really tall black guy was like AHAHA YOU A BAAAD BOY, so funny, they're so cool.  Second game I did terrible but I hit a couple of shots, actually I think I only made two, but I stole the ball like twice, but I also turned the ball over once, and I got like two rebounds or something, but I still hate myself for turning the ball over once and missing the last shot that cost the game.

I really feel that I don't fit in with people who are my age... its just a weird feeling, I get along better with kids.  Maybe because everyone my age seem so stiff so I get so stiff too.

I was also thinking about the Frog who graduated from Frogfuscious's school in Mario RPG, about how he has graduated and is now searching for the meaning of life, and he's like holding this big ass book, always reading.  I think I want to do that.  That's all I ever think about anyways.