any writing is fine.

And here it is.

Today was a bad day.  I got stopped on the BART for no reason at all, I think they thought I went through without a ticket or something, and it was just rude.  The guy was like HEY Y OU, YOU, YOUUUU, YOU CAN'T HERE ME?!!? And you know how I never look at people in the eye, I just heard the guy, I didn't even know he was talking to me because I know myself, that I just mind my own business and what could I do wrong by minding my own business besides losing my mind that minds my own business?

It turns out, I didn't lose my mind, but the guy did.  He took my ticket, ran it through a machine, and said thank you to me.  No apology. Frustrated, I said nothing, took my ticket, halfway cried and stood in the BART, waiting for that Richmond train coming in three minutes.

I was such in a good mood that morning though.  I helped a lady print out her ticket.  But I missed my Fremont train by half a second.  Literally.  I wasn't aware that the train arrived as a pressed the "Print 8.10" ticket for the poor foreign lady.  But I felt good afterwards, because I helped her, I made her say thank you with sincerity and pure gratitude.  I had time anyway.  Two hours until class starts.

Maybe I was in a bad mood because of my art class.  Everyone had clippers, they had a partner to share with, but not me.  Not silent me, because I never talk, I always feel ashamed of this kind of stuff.  Asking for something someone else has?!?!  That's me, not asking for it even though I need it.  Why?!?! For my own pride and because of my own genetics that make me so reserved and makes me think things over, with social anxiety and guilt, and shyness and whatever.  In the end, I went through the pain of cutting my wood pieces with a scissor.  Not only that pain, but emotional pain as well.

I was sitting next to four hot cuties.  But I did not talk to them.  Two were in a pair, and the other two were in a pair, and the class was silent, except they were like whispering amongst themselves in their own foreign language.  I could not do anything.  They had their backs turned, their fashion intimidating.  I am such a...

That's all.

And then there's that whole, "hi honey" shit that's going on in my personal social online life.  It breaks my heart, and it's all my fault.  I chose to be this way, and this decision is killing me.  But I chose to be this way, because I know that being the opposite would fuck my relationship with her even more, and may severe ties as severely as that other fucked up time I had.  But for some reason, I'm longing for some kind of feeling.  I'm tired of this emptiness.  Maybe I do need some thunder and lightning around me.  I need to be the fire that my friends need for their cigarette, to burn their lungs out gradually, and then killing them off completely from the dark, lava from hell damnation of lung cancer. Maybe I need those things, and I can move on, to repeat the mess again until I can't take it anymore, and finally end my birth.

And now I have to write this motivational speech that makes no sense.  It makes no sense to me.

"Students present a motivational speech that makes a compelling argument forquality physical education within elementary schools"

An argument for quality physical education.  An argument FOR quality physical education.  COMPELLING, FOR QUALITY.  Those three words combined, plus physical education.  Well it's common sense, and if its only using textbook sources won't all speeches be the same?  Not only that, but I've been in this class for only a week, I won't have much knowledge about it to make it COMPELLING.  I'll just mess around with it, be funny and real to myself, and I hope my humor is contagious like the past times.

I am glad I'm writing here again.  Thank you.

The more I'm writing about her makes me think about her more, making me love her more.  The more I am away the more I think about her making me realize that I probably love her.  I never seen her before, or met her, but I see and feel a lot about her, qualities about her, her way of being with family, her way of dealing with people, I feel that I love it, but I'm stupid, I never met her, she never met me, but I think I've been with her with barriers and what not, but I love her, I think I really love her.  And because of this, I can't seem to like others, I can't approach others because I need her permission, which I can't even get because she doesn't know, and she'll never know, and I'll be stuck like this forever until I become healthy again, or until I reveal the truth, but most likely I won't reveal the truth because of hi honey, she's taken.  And even if I do confess I'll be left with even more embarrassment and stupidity of my own immaturity.

Another reason why I can't have friends.  I either fall for them, or I feel gay.

Addicted to before infatuated.

I started my first week at CSUEB, and I have to say that the people there really look like descendants from whom I see at CCC.  It's just that you can get a BA degree at this school, and the community is much younger.  It has been pretty uneventful though.  I haven't met anyone, nor have I put the effort to really know someone.  I met one person, who's stinky though and decided that I did not want to associate myself with him, but I think I really have to since we're in the same class until 10, and we'll be the only ones in the shuttle bus and BART for an hour.  Sigh.  I was hoping it would be some hot girl, but it figures that luck isn't always by my side, only to taunt me.

I met a couple of nice girls on Maple Story, all of whom I assume have partners, once again.  I'm falling hard for one of them, we just work so well together and she's so funny and nice.  But I have to control myself if I don't want to create bad memories for either of us, because in the end, we're only left with memories, right?... and yeah, she's great. LOL.

So I haven't completely fallen for her, because I know as soon as I confess, I will be in the pursuit. There were some other things that I was going to say but I"m not going to, because I forgot actually.  I'm just trying to make blogging a habit now, since my job might require me to write everyday.

I have a speech to do on Wednesday, which should be no problem, actually, it is because it's only a page.  I have to write two separate papers, one that I will actually say and one that I will actually turn in, because what I have to say would include a few attention grabbing fill-ins that I would not like to be documented.  History looks fun, art looks fun, Anthro boring, Cognitive thinking, interesting.  My down time in school consists of me pulling out my ipod and listening to George Carlin and Louis CK on youtube.

As for home, the usual.  Detective Conan, basketball, MapleStory, refreshing Persona 4 animation page, DDR.  I finished Apollo Justice for the second time quite recently as well during this whole other trip that I did not mention anywhere.

And yeah, must write whatever.

my last reading partner days.

Today was my last day at Reading Partners.  The kids only asked why.  I should have made up a better excuse.  Like said I got fired.

Anyways, it was sorta solemn.  The site coordinator said see ya, as her last words to me.  I felt like I expected something more... since I did volunteer for three hours every week for three months, and doing it all for charity.  I haven't got a physical tangible award... except an envelope asking for donations.  I helped kids, I guess I should feel a reward in that, but I did not get something for thanks for being here, and you'll be missed kind of message.  I guess this is part of being a good person, and I knew from the start what I was doing.  I wanted to do it out of pure charity and my own good will, but a part of me expected something more.  This is why I'm greedy.

Now that that part of my life has closed, another part of my mind that's occupying time and soul is love.  I think I'm in love with her, and when she mentioned "him" I fell like I was torn apart and there was nothing I can do but sort of laugh it off.  I feel that she is in a deep relationship with another, since the name she calls him is... her spouse... lol.  All I can do is wait.  And my sinister evil plan on meeting her failed.  It was a five step plan, and I couldn't even get to step 1.  Maybe that's why I fail so much.  But then again, they're always in relationships already.  I try to make the girl fall for me before I do anything, but I fails.

 

it's December

And I'm falling in love.

Days from now the coldness in the atmosphere will freeze my shell summoning coldness to my core. Soon my interior will be frozen and I can't get away from it, bringing forth the fifth ice age to my heart.

She seems like someone I'm looking for.

Except, she lies. (But then again, I guess people that are similar to each other are better off with each other.  I lie too!)

I'm only hoping that I don't walk into a person already in a relationship again. And if she is, I hope I find out any second now before its too late.

more doubts.

I'm beginning to think of more negativity towards my decision in becoming a teacher. I do get annoyed by stupid and arrogance but what if it really is me, and not the other person? I was in sorta of a fight with a friend today, and she didn't seem to get it, or it was either me who didn't seem to get it, which left me confused in the end and decided that it's me.  Anyways, either way, I'll be going to be majoring in Liberal Studies in CSUEB.  What's done is done, and I can't really change anything. I visited CSUEB today actually, there are so many young looking people.  I really did forget how people my age are supposed to look like, and I feel so out of place after being in CCC, which were full of old looking people. I'll miss CCC so much.

I also observed how I acted in my visit.  I avoided anyone I saw, and avoided all eye contact, and I did my best to not open my mouth.  This is what happens to me when I'm new to some place.  I feel much more comfortable at CCC.  And I also remember that it took me 7 years to open up a LITTLE in Hercules Mid High.

MapleStory is broken.  Global MapleStory in particular.  The core of the gameplay was the grind and new equipment.  I swear, Maple Story GLOBAL makes all the mistakes.  First MAJOR one, was adding New Leaf City along with % POTIONS.  Without that, I doubt mages would be spamming Genesis, Blizzard, and Meteor.  Regardless, leech was born.  Next came along the keeping of LHC with glitches and leech. AND on top of that, they made the monsters not attack at all.  They could have fixed this by:  Not having % potions at all, and fixing LHC so there are no glitches and monsters do attack.  Because of this, Monster Park is dead.  Honorable mention goes to  Capture the Flag.  This mode is VERY fun, however, when they added this, they should have made more stages, AND kept it the same way it is as in the other modes where people don't die as fast.  Because of this, PVP died and most people who came back to Maple for PVP, left. They should have given better BP rewards in CTF as well.  Classes are totally unbalanced in this mode as well (Dits, ice mages, priests, and battle mages rule the show).

This is not the same MapleStory I remember.  The REAL MapleStory was leveling up and grinding on one map.  The more rested you are, the more addicted and absorbed you are with the game, the more inspired you are by watching and stalking the highest level in the server and working to be like that (vivi), the higher your level would be.  But now, sitting on a rope and letting others kill who have a kajillion dollars to spend on equipment that kills the monsters in one hit is the fastest way to level. This is not the same.  Leveling is not the same.  MapleStory is not the same...

In my eyes, MapleStory died when % and potential equipment stats were introduced.  PVP sorta remedied this upon release, but with the lack of participants and the Global team killing it again, the essence of Maple Story has been nullified.  Anyways, Xeno has reached 185.  I'm thinking about not maxing MapleWarrior, but maxing Explosion instead, so I can team battle at Gladiator to a better potential than I did before.  But since I'm just transitioning from a community college to a University I don't think I'll have time to play.

Tips that I'll record for future reference:  Be in the moment, and maybe others will be in the moment with you.

I'm about to sleep.  I feel like I have to feel bad about something, so I'll sleep with all the bad things to come  in my mind that's going to haunt me in the future: her, being stupid and losing friends, and how I'll never be loved.

I'm going to follow my advice from my English teacher from the summer, and write everyday, even if its just 30 mins.  I can get better by writing everyday.  I miss her, she was a really good teacher.

again.

I wished for it and now I got it back.

I'm falling for someone who will never love me back once again.

At least these thoughts are less self-destructing than facing the real world... at least, for now.  Can't make the same mistakes though, this requires some serious careful planning.

This time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Work hard, play hard, and keep my mouth shut. I read something like that somewhere.

First rain of November 2011

If everyone had that education, they can only blame themselves for what they have become and no one else.

Life has been the same.  I'm dying in the inside, but I think I'm living strong on the outside.  I know what I'm doing, but I'm not doing what I want, or it's not correct either.  I just feel very far behind, not that this feeling matters though, because I will eventually die, because I want to die, and I'll get what I want.  Maybe if I bury myself in more sadness and thought distortions, I'll finally find that impulse to kill myself.

This quote inspired me today: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson

so much neglect.

Because of MapleStory.

I don't know when, or how I will come to this end, because I'm sure they'd like to know the truth one day.  But for now, I think it's best to live in the moment and shut my mouth.



The team excluding the starter, Olivia... she's on the third one though.  She's very nice.  I like how we all have different personalities.  Kathy with the dark sense of humor, Amy with the constant LOLs and randomness, May with the straightforward bluntness...



Our perfect win during a lag.  Cooldown attacks owned because of the lag, I can just hold down the owl button and it'll eventually be used somehow, because of lag.  But it didn't lag at the five minute mark.  We were actually against 4 others but one left before he faced the humiliation.



<3

Other than MapleStory, classes are great except Physics.  My teacher talks all over the place, but it's not all bad because I know I don't want to be that kind of teacher. Reading Partners is even better.

I'm learning more about myself.  One of my shy students gets super smart x1000 once she opens up.  Kids just need to be comfortable to be able to learn better, they're not dumb at all.  Why would you put them in a lower division of reading rankings or w/e based on some silly test?  It's all about scanning surroundings and being able to handle thinking while doing so as a child.  Their minds get occupied, and it's not their fault that they would score low, because truly they are really smart and absorb the most information at this young age.

Last week was my cousin's wedding.  I drank 2 glasses of alcohol for the first time, and all I can say is that it tastes nasty and I'll never go out of my way to buy it.  I hope their love lasts forever, even though I was a Tina fan (cousin's ex). I'm always a fan of first loves.

I'm getting lost on and off, but whatever.  I'll figure things out eventually, as long as I have friends and something to do.