It's Like I Died

And I watched my mom grieve for me...

It's a weird feeling...

but it also means that I cannot kill myself.  I won't kill myself.

I can't live in the moment.

When I think about how ephermeral everythign is, I can't help but start crying, especially when I just realize it at that moment, that I'm thinking that that moment will never come back... being mindful isn't working... I can't enjoy the present... I just end up crying.

My first thirty years of life is living life as it is inspired by art...

I think my next thirty should be about how my art is immitated by living...

...so I guess it just neutralizes and if I kill myself nothing would matter anyway.

Wow, I actually did have friends looking back..

Maybe I just never felt that way because I never felt real when I spoke. 

I think I changed a bit after 2010 maybe.  Or around January 2016.

I made my mom cry yesterday.  She really doesn't want me to kill myself, even after she's gone.

Grr Glenn, grr says Cyrus.

I hate people way too quick...

So I had essentially unlimited McDonalds...

I have all the games I wanted pretty much...

Had thought something was this thing but it's really not all that...

Yeah, too much in excess makes everything boring...

I lived a good life.

I feel like I can never live in the moment, and that I always look forward to the times when I can look back at moments. So in that case, I probably wouldn't mind at all if I just get fake memories inplanted on me.  It's not like I look forward to the future anyways.