The Past Decade

So I probably actually did have a life and did things...

If only I took in the moment at the time though.  During these moments I was depressed, because of the ugly girl.

I turned 20, and watched a lot of Detective Conan.  I had a cool friend in Piano class, and I went back to tutoring kids.  I was into basketball a lot too, and experienced the Nursing Home.  It was there that I ruminated on death and life a lot.  Also, BLM. 

When I was 21... I went to university and played "competetive MapleStory."  MapleStory PvP.  I met a lot of people.  My life was moreso "online" than it was at university.  I wished I left my online life behind me before I started university. 

When I was 22, I met a cool girl and did some projects at her dormitory.  She was really cool.  We also went to Safeway.  Sometimes those little cherished moments are free. Most of the time, those little cherished moments are free.

When I was 23, I played basketball again and had a memorable game winner.  I took the BART and read lots of novels.  I went home and fooled around Twitch TV.  I also met another girl, and ate out in a restaurant with some friends, including her.  She was cool, but not as cool as the cool girl.  I had friends.  The last months of 23 were spent in SoCal, waiting. I aslo met an online friend for the first time.

When I was 24, I finished university and waited.   I had interesting professors.  My writing was acknowledged and people liked it.  I also met my "first love" in person.  I also spent a day with an online friend all day that summer. in AX. 

When I was 25, I celebrated my birthday with friends for the first time since high school. I traveled south, east, west, and north, with my dad.  A roadtrip.  I played MapleStory Reboot, probably my last time really dedicating myself to it. I also said goodbye to ugly girl.  And I watched a lot of idol stuff to get over her.

When I was 26, I went to school again.  I also got a new video game system.  The Wii U. It was also the first time I felt like a real member of society. I missed school when it was over.

When I was 27, I played a lot of video games.  I got a PS4 and Switch.  I watched a lot of YouTube.  My childhood best friend got married.  I met another online friend in person. I played a lot of Xenoblade 2. 

When I was 28, I watched and played a bunch of Pokemon. My interest in idol shows declined as well, and I think I got over ugly girl. My last month as a 28 year old was spent playing Persona 5.

When I was 29... I started Nursing School.  I went up to a girl I liked.  The girl I liked went to my house.  It was the first time a girl I liked went to my house. Video Games are also not as fun as I thought they would be.

I feel like it doesn't matter if people are pretentious or not or whatever... it's all fine, because we really are all part of one planet, really... we are all the Entity split in different parts with an uncomprehensible end.

Woah it's May. Thirty years ago... my mom was two weeks away from being third trimester with me.

It's Like I Died

And I watched my mom grieve for me...

It's a weird feeling...

but it also means that I cannot kill myself.  I won't kill myself.

I can't live in the moment.

When I think about how ephermeral everythign is, I can't help but start crying, especially when I just realize it at that moment, that I'm thinking that that moment will never come back... being mindful isn't working... I can't enjoy the present... I just end up crying.

My first thirty years of life is living life as it is inspired by art...

I think my next thirty should be about how my art is immitated by living...

...so I guess it just neutralizes and if I kill myself nothing would matter anyway.

Wow, I actually did have friends looking back..

Maybe I just never felt that way because I never felt real when I spoke. 

I think I changed a bit after 2010 maybe.  Or around January 2016.

I made my mom cry yesterday.  She really doesn't want me to kill myself, even after she's gone.

Grr Glenn, grr says Cyrus.