I think it’s easier for me to understand people who do not say anything rather than people who talk all the time.

Oh cool, there's a name for it and it's actually a thing.  EXISTENTIAL DEPRESSION.

Theworlddoesn'towemeanything
theworddoesn'towemeanything
theworlddoesn'towemeanything

I think this year's fourth of July was the first time ever, in all 4th of Julys that I lived, where I did not go out, or look out my window for any fireworks.  I just did not care.

This is also unrelated, but I think there are two types of people, the people who seek power in some kind of form, and the"anti" power people.  The anti power people reject all kinds of power, end up being a silly and funny kind of person (this includes people with beliefs), but actually, deep inside, desire power.  But they just deny this desire.

If all you ever do is count your blessings, you'll go nowhere...

 which is exactly where I want to be.

Because everything is about me...

I hate busy people.

Only because when people are busy, they are not letting their mind go wild.  I want people to think and remember random parts of their past.  I want them to.. randomly think about me.  Me, me, me, me!!!  And all the dead people in the world.  But I want them to remember me, most of all.  Because...

Why didn't I get an invite to my high school reunion?

I think I've Grown Overnight

I feel more confident in life the more recipes I know.  And more confidence, is more growth.

Mama's Big Pot of Spaghetti

2 Spaghetti Seasonings (Grandma's seasoning)
2 Tomato Sauce
1 Tomato Paste
3 Cheese
Some Ketchup, maybe three tablespoons
Some oil
A small bottle of Jufran
Half teaspooon of ground pepper
A tablespoon of sugar


1 lb ground beef
1 Pack of hot dogs
1&1/2 Onions
3 Sticks of celery

Cook ground beef to remove excess fat.
Defrost, and cut up the hot dogs.

Stir ground beef, hot dogs, and onions first.  Add paste mixture next, then add celery, water, and then the sugar/groundpepper/cheese/ketchup.

Getting 0ld

I'm not growing up.

I think I should consciously put myself in high pressure situations... I'm always avoiding things.

Another thing is I've never had a graudation of some sort.  In elementary school, the final grade was sixth grade, but after fifth grade, I transferred to another school, which was a middle school that started a sixth grade.  And it so happens this school was combined with a high school, so after eighth grade, there was no graduation either.

I also did not attend my high school graduation, nor my community college graduation, I never requested an AA degree anyways.  And then I graduated from Certified Nursing Assistant school, and I did not attend that graduation either... and then I graduated from Cal State East Bay with a BA, and decided not to attend that graduation as well.

So I did not have any of these "growth" ceremonies or any of those celebrations where people say "Congratulations!"  When I turned 18, I was hiding in my room playing Xenosaga Ep. III.  I think I got some birthday greetings on Facebook but that was it.  I was also playing PvP MapleStory when I turned drinking age.  I did not party at all.  I think no one thought of my birthday at all either and at this time I was able to hide my birthday on Facebook.  I don't know why I'm like this, I'm always so secretative for no reason, which is really bad, especially for relationships.

Why do things that are so hard for me are so simple for other people, like... talking, or leaving the house, or just.. talking.  It's so hard for me, and when I actually do do it, I feel guilty that I did something wrong.  Or said something wrong.  Or maybe these things are actually hard, and I'm just so naturally weak, everyone else just has far greater willpower than me.

Or maybe it's about smiling. I need to smile more, even if it's fake.

I also do not feel like I'm getting anything out of video games.  I was playing Xenoblade.  While it was relaxing, I feel like I'm getting nothing out of it, I get more out of a book.  E3 was also not that exciting to me, Ghosts of Tsushima was cool because Tsushima's my city's sister city.  Kingdom Hearts III trailers were cool, but I think I'm fine just watching the trailers, I feel like I've played the game just watching them.  I also don't feel like getting Dragon Quest XI anymore either, I'll just finish DQ I-VII instead.  I don't know.   Actually, there's a boxed physical version of the Xenoblade 2 expansion pass.  So yeah, there's that. I want that.