I really needed this time of recovery.  I don't feel suicidal at all anymore.  I barely even have thoughts of it.  Anyways, books I've read,  during my times of the closest I've ever been to a recluse.

Books I've read but didn't write anything about it, even though I thought about writing about it...

Reread the entire Harry Potter series.
The Lake
The Bell Jar
The Secret Life of Bees
The Da Vinci Code
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child
The Catcher in the Rye

And there were a couple of books that I opened up and read a couple of passages from... Thus Spoke Zarathustra, The Great Gatsby, The Brothers Karamazov, Selected Writings of Ralph Waldo Emmerson...  this one book about perception and stuf where it gives samples of what other recluses thought of during their experiments as recluses.

And a couple of philosophy lectures... Jean Paul Satre, Camus, Schopenhaur, Buber, Rollo May, Maslow, Heidegger, blah blah Hell is with other people, everyone objectifies everyone, the it and thou blah blah.

Also read a couple of manga.  I completed one, Full Metal Alchemist.  And there There were a couple that I read only a few volumes of, and some where I caught up and stuff... Boku wa Mari, One Piece, Great Teacher Onizuka, Love Hina.

I should be writing how each of these made me feel instead of just listing them, but listing them is a start.  It helps me remember what I actually wanted to remember about them. Actually, I can list some thoughts...

The Da Vinci Code.  Addicting book, but ultimately I think it's just Dan Brown, the author, trying to flirt with all the world's literate women.

The Lake, The Bell Jar, and the Secret Life of Bees.  Well, The Lake was just a therapeautic read throughout, with lots of memorable quotes that I recorded... but didn't remember. It's been almost a year since I read that one actually.  Same as the Secret Life of Bees... and the author is a nurse!  And then the Bell Jar.  I don't know what to think about it, I just read it as it is without thinking about it much.  I got her though, I understood it and all.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.  Was really meant for a play, not much of a therapeautic read.

The Catcher and the Rye... my favorite read out of whatever I read.  That scene with Phoebe towards the end... where Phoebe tells good old Holden that he doesn't like anything.  And he responds with how he does like some things.  Like Allie, who's dead, and the moment, like that moment when he was talking to Phoebe.  That killed me.

I think I passed through a moment where I got to be the closest I will ever be with someone...

I must stop thinking that something better will exist.  Because it's not.

Okay, so if Riona goes on Showtime again, I have a list of questions to ask her, or things to actually talk to her about instead of the usual "love from california!" I'll say "I love your singing of Ordinary Day on Tokushima Radio!" Or "participate in AKBINGO Diva competition!" And there's also the "congratulations on making it to the Janken Tournament!"

Other questions that I think of include: "are your parents dentists?" Because when she used to post Youtube videos of her dancing, her walls look like the ones I see at the dentist's.

Things that I should remember

-Ignore feelings of guilt. (And have the courage to be hated)

-I am responsible for how I feel each day. 

-Remember Soul Crafting (And Will)

-Everyone is getting older... (So treat everyone like they're going to die)

-No pain no gain. (Ignore being sleepy, I am old.  I am not going to grow anymore.)

I stopped writing because...

I hated everything to do with humans.

And humans write, it's a human thing to do.

It's a human constructed activity.

So I was against it.

But whatever, I want to write again, because, whatever.

OSHI SENBATSU

1.  Riona Hamamatsu
2.  Kusaka Konomi
3.  Iwatate Saho
4.  Rie Kitahara
5.  Haruna Kinoshita
6.  Shibuya Nagisa
7.  Shiroma Miru
8.  Nishino Miki
9.  Shimazaki Haruka
10. Yamada Nanami
11. Kumazawa Serina
12. Matsuoka Hana
13. Kato Yuuka
14. Takahashi Juri
15. Ogino Yuka
16. Shibata Aya

Last day of May...

Still recovering.

I haven't been writing or reading like I said I was going to, but memorizing 48G members and such is still a mind work out, right?