Can't get into 1Q84... I am disappointed with my last two purchases, I think I am done with Murakami... I only really liked The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, A Wild Sheep Chase, Dance Dance Dance, and Norwegian Wood, but only because I was in the process of either getting over this girl, holding on, or chasing after her, and I have already did all the holding on and chasing I can do.  I am tired, and hopefully the far future has a place for the love I have yearning for her.  Or I can take what I gathered in retrospect and become a dark loner who hates everybody and any sign of affection given to me, and not trusting anyone ever again.

I feel ten times older when I have really short hair and it bothers me.  How about when I really turn old... that'll bother me so much.  Well, maybe not if I destroy all mirrors, and anything else that can show a reflection.

blehasdf

If someone asks me what my goal in life is...

I'll just say that it's to move to Australia.

more earthquake thoughts

The earthquake should have came sooner.  Like on August 11.  Same place, but sooner.  Same place in Napa.  A few miles up north from where I live, and right where Robin Williams lived...

Perhaps it could have saved Robin Williams.  He ties the belt around his neck, suspending it in the closet, successfully has everything down.  All he needs to do is wait a few minutes to die... but suddenly, EARTHQUAKE, and the belt falls, thus he falls, saving his life.

I just could never translate it into words

And I still can't.

Ever since my birth, I did not want to see the world.

Because...

When I was born, the placenta came out first.  And then me.  I knew unconsciously from the beginning, without any knowledge of the world, without any knowledge of what I would become, I knew that I would not like it here...

Thus I said, "hey placenta, you go first, they want to take something out and they have to take you, not me.  I don't want to go out there."

Just a thought. But really, the placenta came out before I did.  I could have died then.

EARTHQUAKE

The lights were flickering from across the street and my window was open so it's like there was lightning.

My first thoughts were... wow I'm so scurred, if I have kids they will have a cowardly father.  

I was having a good dream too... about her, even though I am supposed to be moving on...

more things I think about after reading Tsurururur

- People actually like structure and being controlled.  I think I like it too actually...

-And I think what annoyed me most is how they were overexaggerating about taking a chance to meet his friend, flying an 11 hr flight to see his friend without telling his friend that he will see her, and just hoping by chance that she will agree to see him once he's there

... well I've been in a similar situation, driving for 8 hours, and waiting in line for four hours hoping to see this girl I like, or who was my favorite friend, but my other friend did not want me to bump into her (she was hanging out with my other friend) and so I missed my chance in seeing that friend... made me so sad.  THIS IS IRL we're talking about.  It was by chance too, I was not even sure if that girl I like would be with the friend I was going to meet... I was relying on hope for her to be there, and she was there, I just did not get to meet her... I was so close.

No fair, fiction characters always get what's best for them... well their fate is decided by the author... I'd like a word with the author in the story of my life.

I finished Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage. 

It gave sorta the overall theme South of the Border West of the Sun gave, if I am to compare it with Murakami's other novels.  Which, I got, basically, about facing your past.  I was hoping it would be more like A Wild Sheep Chase, Dance Dance Dance, Wild Up Bird Chronicle-like.  But it is what it is, and I own it.  I just wished I owned a Murakami book that I really really really liked, and would reread.

Anyways, THOUGHTS.  THOUGHTS on the novel.  I guess I am sort of jealous of Tsukuru, because he was able to get closure, and he had friends and all that.  I was not able to get closure with my main problems and I still feel like I am dying but I liked how we were able to relate in that respect.  It took him sixteen years for his closure, and I am only sitting at two years.  So it's okay, I can wait...

I was hoping I can just... refresh my brain and move on, but this book made me want to hold on to her even more, and that makes me sad because I cannot understand her anymore... I don't know how she liked me if she did but I am certain that if she was going to do this to me, there must have been some feeling she felt... I don't think she would even treat garbage this way... so that's that, I am holding on because it feels natural. I'll hold on until I don't feel like it anymore.  Not like there's a consequence after not feeling it anymore anyway, but I doubt it will happen.

The feeling is also enhance by my recent addiction to this cover



I am so going to die when it's all over Lol