Addicted to reading about all these people who hanged themselves on Wikipedia.
I felt like I read about them before.  But I forgot.  But after reading about it again, I remember.
I am convinced that life gets worse as you get older.

Lots of models.  Most of them were young models.  Or maybe it is because I noticed the models more than any other kind.  Beautiful people suiciding?

This Korean Model from France hung herself, and she read Emerson's Self Reliance.  That's what I do too.  Even Emerson couldn't save her.  An American hero, not a France hero. She went that far to read about him... I would think there would be more prominent people outside of the United States with the same ideas as him...

I think once you think about killing yourself, it never leaves you.
Just one thought of it, and it's with you forever.
You will always go back to the thought, no matter what position in life you are in.

I feel that my cousin still thinks about it.  He talks too much and laughs too much, and he keeps saying God is good, life is good, but I highly doubt it considering his position in life and what he talks about... I don't like him, but I hope he realizes that life isn't good and embraces life regardless.

So strange, I was re watching George Carlin videos right before I read that Robin Williams died.  A week before, I wanted to watch Hook as well, and I was imitating that little black boy eating the imaginary sandwich on the kitchen table when my brother came home to visit.

Comedians... my dental hygienist suggested that I become one, and one of my lab partners back in Chemistry said the same.  My psychological barriers prevent me from doing anything about it though.  I know I wouldn't feel comfortable.

I also read a little on the Hopi Indians.


I miss story mode on Pokemon X.  It's my favorite one.

When I say favorite, I don't mean in terms of story, game play, graphics, or design.

I say it's my favorite because it resonates with me.  Especially as of now, since I feel like I trust the whole transcendental perspective thing, about beauty and stuff.  It makes sense to me.

Anyways, I like Shauna.  She's just like me, being left alone with her memories, as she watches everyone else move on... and I think I am like Tierno too, who just feels like dancing all the time. I always feel bad when I beat Serena though, she looks so sad when she loses in game. I purposely let her win once, but she did not make a happy face, I just blanked out.

I'm trying to get into competitive battling though.  I just don't know what Pokemon to use.  I know about EVs, IVs, and breeding and stuff, I just don't want to go through all that on a Pokemon that isn't good with the team... maybe I should just battle maison and farm BP, but even so, I do not know what Pokemon to use for that.  I subscribed to Pokebank, so I have my Swampert, Salamence, and Metagross who got me 63 straight wins in the Battle Tower  (remembering harsh memories losing to a horn drill and a Mega Horn by Heracross) back in Sapphire, but it's so different now, it's like this new generation is meant to destroy dragons.

Reading and researching about competitive battling defintely helps me get my mind off Jess though, and relationships in general.  Actually, no, I still think about her, it helps me feel less pain and helps me feel less obsessive about it.  Either way, I am naturally holding on. And when the feelings fade, then it fades.  But for now, it's there, so it's there.

I am thinking of a team with a Pokemon from each region. Hopefully that will limit my options.

Anyways, I don't want to neglect Silver Version.  I have the most fondest memories with Silver Version... and Soul Silver too, playing with my little cousin when my grandpa died.

POKEMON X QUOTES

"Looks alone don't mean anything.
And what's inside means even less."
-Nizam from the Battle Chateau (Pokemon X)

"Tomorrow is the only thing that comes to you even if you don't do anything.  Everything else in life has to be fought for, so go out and get what you want!"
-Dendemille Town link to Route 17 lady (Pokemon X)

"So bad guys are all like, 'we'll take over the world,' but I think it would be really hard to look after everybody."
-Kid in Dendemille Town

"Those who live life with a burning passion must eventually burn out and extinguish, right?
-Team Flare Grunt

"If both sides have something to say, maybe it's best to meet halfway..."
-Serena

"When we first set off on our journey, I thought it was really important how different I was from everyone else.  But that doesn't really matter, does it?  Of course I'm different from others.  I'm the only me!"
-Serena

So I got a 3DS...

I was kind of mad, because I wasn't even into games anymore.  It was the same when I got Pokemon Diamond, I got a DS Lite just for Pokemon Diamond and did not even wring out any joy from it... initially that is.

But after playing for two hours and adding a couple of my friends, I felt a connection to the world, even if its something childish, I felt like a member of society.  People in society do these things.  People who play these things are part of society regardless.  Because people I know play these things, I feel like I am connected to them, because I am doing what they are doing.  And so I felt overwhelming connectedness, which lifted me out of darkness...

maybe for a little while.  But for now, Chesnaught bitchesss!!@

I nicknamed my main team after stand-up commedians I have watched on YouTube.  Amaura is Simon Amstell (Amstel, because of the character limit actually), Blasetoise is Louis C.K., Talonflame is Bo Burnham, and Chesnaught is Carlin.  I like the exp system better than Black and White's.  Though Black and White's leveling system basically evens out all Pokemon's levels allowing storage Pokemon to be in the rotation without having the hastle to level them up for a long time since they caught up in levels pretty easily because of the system, X and Y's feels like the same leveling up formula as the past games, however, the newExp. Share distributes exp to the entire party, allowing diverse rotations between storage and in the party.  I always switch my other two Pokemon to Pokemon that can evolve by leveling up so I don't waste time and exp points.

When words can't describe how I feel towards someone... I think I'll just say this "I love youAKJF:SDKJF:"

I have been writing.  It is just that... they are all Drafts.  I don't Publish them because they look too short, or the writing in general just sucks and I am embarrassed.

I wonder if anyone else had a crush on a color.  I had a crush on magenta when I was little.

Dreamt last night of losing a tooth that I have already lost.

Two years ago we talked about dream interpretations.  She lost a tooth in one of her dreams and after a bit of research, she said that it meant it was time to let go.  She was having problems with a friend at the time.Maybe this dream means the same for me.  Time to move on... I guess?

Idk, it's really whatever now.  I do not want to move on because that would mean that I would have to think about other things.  I feel comfortable thinking about her all the time.  I lost interest in almost everything already.  Everything just sems so dull and useless.  Video games are not fun anymore, watching movies do not interest me either.

But I did breeze through a Haruki Murakami memoir.  I love his writing, I feel that no matter what I am feeling at the moment, each sentence, word, or page I read can be interpreted in a way that fits to what I am feeling, no matter what I am feeling.

Since when did "Design" at the top become Dashboard?

EDIT: They changed it back to Design...

EDIT AGAIN: I SEE, it's Design when I'm on my page, and if I'm on someone else's, it's Dashboard.

I feel that I will never write unless I actually write it.  Everywhere I go I feel like I have to blog about it.  Feel. But I end up not blogging about it.  And so days pass, and the memory and feelings I've had dissipate, only keeping that essential feeling you get, when you look back at it.  For example, let's say i ate pizza today, and for some reason, that memory, that specific memory at 2p.m., July 25th, is exactly "I ate pizza."  That's what I will remember it by along with a split of a split second of a scenery to go along with that quote.  Maybe a little bit of the setting, like it was a sunny hot day, and I was eating pizza.  But what I will not remember, is that I took a bite,  sipped through my straw to get a taste of Fanta Orange, and took another bite, with the next bite tasting more like Orange Soda.  I will not remember it like that.  I'll just remember a flash of "I ate pizza" with the scenery formed in my mind of a sunny hot day.

But that is not what I am going to write about today.  I have been putting it off for a month, but what I really want to write about is a review of my school year.  It was my last foreseen full school year (because I am unsure  if I will pursue school further as of now), since I only have a quarter left.

Mostly, it was about feeling like a member of society.  I had friends.  I had actual people to talk to the whole year, and I looked forward to it everyday.  My year went by so fast this way.  It's like life is fast when you are enjoying your time.

Regarding material that I have learned in school, I feel that nothing taught to me stuck with me.  Quotes from Professors stuck a bit (you can't cover the truth!, life isn't so bad afterall, blah blah etc.), but I feel that real knowledge, knowledge that I integrate with my personality in everyday social performances with friends stem from novels I've read, and books. And Tumblr posts.

Even though I look back on it, I feel that I was never really there when it happened.  I feel that I never experienced the friends that I experienced.  It's vague, it created a few memories, happy memories and I'll remember my happy moments (note to self: pina colada, Accounting, White Girl).  I'll admit, I'm addicted to the internet.  So when I was out there in the real world, it felt unreal.  Like a dream that I vaguely remember but remember enough to picture it in my head.  I feel that my real world and my real problems are online.  Because the girl I am in love with is online. And she hates me.  For two years. 

I met one of my online friends in real life and it felt like the most realist things in the world. It was also the first time I was so decisive with something I want.  Usually it's like... "it's okay, you don't have to" but this time, I was like "let's go to AX.. let's go, let's go... let's go. I want to go"  It meant so much to me so standing in line in the heat for four hours, undergoing the rigorous process of using the phone (dialing a number and just calling is hard for me to do), just to meet my friend felt so real and I felt the best I had ever felt in a while.  It meant so much to me, and I knew it would since I stayed up all night the night before thinking about it. Thoughts that I couldn't stop but kept flowing, useless thoughts that just kept repeating.

Back then, before she hated me we were a trio.  The one I love, and my friend, and I met up with my friend who met up with the one I love a few minutes before I met my friend.  But I feel at peace now, because I have witness the direct link.  I talked to my friend in person, who talked to my "ex-friend who hates me now" in person. We are all connected, and that lifts me up a bit.  I don't care if anything else happens, and I shouldn't.  I should feel satisfied with just that, and I am still friends with my friend.  Even though I am not friends with my ex-friend who hates me now, I am still connected to her this way.

On another note, I think one of my biggest problems is having a big ego, but being really stupid at the same time.  It is also my birthday next week. I am going to write every day from now on. And I will keep my word.  Just like how Genghis Khan does it.