I think I have this disorder.  It's called Essential Tremor.

I really can't control certain situations... just two days ago, I was randomly chosen to read my thesis for a paper, and I couldn't speak at all, I felt I sounded retarded, or really wimpy and fobby, but I couldn't control it... thinking back, it happened to me serveral times.  In Microbiology, I failed pippeting into this tube because my hands wouldn't stop shaking.  I was teaching one time, and my hands started shaking, and my voice shakes... gahh this is so embarrassing.

I did a little research though, and it says what I already know: reducing sugar, getting more sleep, and excercising regularly. Also, I think I truly do need more exposure.  Exposure around people, and just talking more.  Having friends definitely helps, but it's overwhelming (I had TWO friends in ONE day yesterday).  It's all because I'm scared.  It's fear.  (Or did my anxiety come before fear?)  All I can do now is prepare... I just want to stop shaking and stuff and once I get past my fears I think I can be super cool.

Feels so weird having two friends a day...

One thing I noticed about almost all the protagonists in Murakami's novels is how they're... fearless.

Charles Darwin's Diary Entry

"My will and reason were powerless against the imagination of a danger which had never been experienced."

How's This

She's more sensitive than me, so it's my fault. 

But... how do we measure sensitivity anyway?!?!  

Dammit!

My professor said it.  He said my million dollar idea that I thought only I had.  I thought I was a genius of thinking it, but I guess not.

The thought was how we're limited as a species because of our language.  There is only so much you can do if you only think in words.

But a professor thought this!  And I thought of this too! So... maybe it's not that bad after all.  At least I'm not alone in my thoughts and people actually think the same things I do.

What if it was written in books a long time ago though, but I just haven't found it out.  What if all thoughts I have were already in books, what's the use of thinking if I could just read.  Oh yeah, I think because I'm too lazy to actually do anything.

This Girl: A Superficial Analysis

Rewind to last quarter. I met this girl through group work in a math class. She laughs at me and has the same kind of humor as me. She even says that I’m funny and she likes the way I think ohohoho. Sometimes I hope that having the same humor would mean we would be interested in the same things. Video games, books, and what not. But she likes shopping and going out. Maybe if I wasn’t exposed to my games and books at a younger age in another life, I would be interested much more on shopping and… maybe not tattoos because in my opinion, it looks like smeared bird shit from afar. Anyways the point is, we can laugh together, and I feel comfortable messing with her.

Fastforward to this quarter. I think she’s cute. I think she’s the most attractive girl in the class, and the class consists of 95% women. She’s half Filipino too! She seems to be the only active girl in my life as of now… (a week ago would have been different. A year ago would be completely different). The thing is though, I’m not attracted to her. Maybe for a day I was, but I’m not right now. A day,because of how she looked at me at that time, and I couldn’t get it out of my head until I went to sleep, and the sun went up (and then I am reminded of who I really really really like).

While talking to her, I have to either avert my gaze, or look directly at her eyes. I am forced to look directly at her eyes because of the cleavage. She visibly closes her coat tighter over her cleavage when we’re talking. At this point, I’m looking directly into her eyes, however I feel that I’m forced to look at her cleavage, because that particular movement is what stands out. Like the look at the black dot on a big clean sheet of white paper test. The whole scene is still except for our mouths moving when we’re talking, then she lifts her hands and closes the cleavage closer part of her coat, so of course I feel that I’m forced to look at the cleavage, even though I’m not looking directly at her cleavage. However, I successfully avoid looking at the cleavage by focusing my eyes directly at her’s.

It was mandatory to look at her eyes. If I don’t look at her, I’ll be turning my head the other way, and she’ll be thinking “lol, you not looking at me because of my cleavage” Btw, I notice myself squinting a bit, I think I’ve developed a habit of squinting when I’m talking to a person. Anyways, about her eyes… her eyes are always glowing and shiny… is it a new kind of eye make up or are they those eyes? The eyes that just scream “I want you!”? Why do I think this? If she does eventually ask me out and I say yes, I think I’d only like her, and to be with her just for show, because of her looks. I think we’re both getting to the age when we’re both serious about everything though, but really. She likes shopping… I don’t want to spend all my securities (my money) on clothes for her and stuff like that. I just see myself in the future trying to convince her to like the things I like (would be very dope if she did actually) but I like someone else (who I’ll probably never talk to again… it hurts, and maybe I shouldn’t get hurt anymore by making myself like this one?). And she wears slippers. Ew! Not only that, but wears the combination of jeans and slippers. Slippers are okay with a skirt I guess, or shorts. But jeans and slippers… ew! Ew feet.

She’s telling me to take these two other classes with her next quarter. And there’s really no problem, just felt like writing about it. Lucky friend girl of mine, earning an immortal spot on my Tumblr diary. Our lecturer for the class looks like Ellen Degeneres btw! She even acts like her except she doesn’t dance. She doesn’t dance on the dance floor. She dances on the planes of geometry.

Classes feel so much different with a friend… regardless of anything at all, I am so happy to have a friend in this class, and for future classes.

So I think I kind of like myself now.  But I need to stop eating and drinking sugar stuff because I KEEP SHAKING. WTH.