Having memories of something that other people were supposed to remember but do not remember kind of hurts too.

Hope I fall asleep and never wake up.

And I hope I have another heart warming dream tonight.

Last night I cried myself to sleep.  I always get so anxious before my birthday.  The anticipation is so overwhelming to me... because I know no one will greet me, or even remember when my birthday is.  I guess it's partly my fault.  I don't really tell anyone when my birthday is.  But still, it's like when my birthday comes, it's a reminder of how no one really cares about me.  Usually, when I think of birthdays, I think of parties with friends getting together... but when I think of my birthday, I think of just staying on my bed covered in my blankets. But it's my fault... the way I am, I expect people to do things for me without me asking.  Maybe knowing that I have the full ability to change hurts more than the actual event itself...

I woke up crying.  But I wasn't sad.  I was kind of uplifted.  I had a dream I was walking around my high school campus (and it didn't even look like my high school campus) with a friend... she wasn't even a close friend, and I never even had feelings for her.  She was just a good person to talk to sometimes and gave bad advice, but she was a cool person I guess... and it made me happy just being with her, and following her around.  We had errands to do together that included lifting this weird huge table which was this hall pass (we never even had hall passes in high school... or even elementary school).  So yeah, we delivered that huge table, and my high school english teacher was happy to receive one of the large hall passes... and her classroom was in the multipurpose room (we didn't even have a multipurpose room in high school...) and my friend took a seat, and I sat next to her.  Such a weird dream.   The atmosphere was so light though, very gold-like.  Maybe it's an indication that weather plays an important role in my mood swings?

I just watched Detective Conan movie 7...

"I don't mind waiting... when you finally do meet, you'll be more happy."

Sighhhh, now I feel like waiting again, and I think I'll do that.  I'll wait... I really don't mind waiting either.  I'm really excited to say happy birthday to her in a few months even though it will probably creep her out, Lol.

 I'll write another poem for her and keep it to myself.

It's my birthday in a week.
Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I laugh at things, but after that comes an extreme feeling of immeasurable sadness.  Well, not instantly after laughing, but it's just a constant feeling I've been feeling.
It's not the weather.
It has to be her.

My brother said it was the first time to see me with a mustache growing.  First time seeing facial hair, growing.  I'm saying growing because it's not funny developed.  But anyways, I shaved right after.  I don't ever want facial hair on my face.  On my face (on my arm is fine... because it would be like a free tattoo or it'll look like a bruise.  I don't have hair on my arms either.  I have really girly arms.)

Do not rekindle friendships.

Do not connect with new people.

It will only prolong my life.

What I should try maintaining:

If it's meant to happen, it will happen, because I will do all I can to make it happen.

Just be anything I think that looks cool. Don't look stupid.  Looking stupid hurts.

You know what.. I think I'd rather be broken hearted than not feeling anything at all.