Last night I cried myself to sleep.  I always get so anxious before my birthday.  The anticipation is so overwhelming to me... because I know no one will greet me, or even remember when my birthday is.  I guess it's partly my fault.  I don't really tell anyone when my birthday is.  But still, it's like when my birthday comes, it's a reminder of how no one really cares about me.  Usually, when I think of birthdays, I think of parties with friends getting together... but when I think of my birthday, I think of just staying on my bed covered in my blankets. But it's my fault... the way I am, I expect people to do things for me without me asking.  Maybe knowing that I have the full ability to change hurts more than the actual event itself...

I woke up crying.  But I wasn't sad.  I was kind of uplifted.  I had a dream I was walking around my high school campus (and it didn't even look like my high school campus) with a friend... she wasn't even a close friend, and I never even had feelings for her.  She was just a good person to talk to sometimes and gave bad advice, but she was a cool person I guess... and it made me happy just being with her, and following her around.  We had errands to do together that included lifting this weird huge table which was this hall pass (we never even had hall passes in high school... or even elementary school).  So yeah, we delivered that huge table, and my high school english teacher was happy to receive one of the large hall passes... and her classroom was in the multipurpose room (we didn't even have a multipurpose room in high school...) and my friend took a seat, and I sat next to her.  Such a weird dream.   The atmosphere was so light though, very gold-like.  Maybe it's an indication that weather plays an important role in my mood swings?

I just watched Detective Conan movie 7...

"I don't mind waiting... when you finally do meet, you'll be more happy."

Sighhhh, now I feel like waiting again, and I think I'll do that.  I'll wait... I really don't mind waiting either.  I'm really excited to say happy birthday to her in a few months even though it will probably creep her out, Lol.

 I'll write another poem for her and keep it to myself.

It's my birthday in a week.
Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I laugh at things, but after that comes an extreme feeling of immeasurable sadness.  Well, not instantly after laughing, but it's just a constant feeling I've been feeling.
It's not the weather.
It has to be her.

My brother said it was the first time to see me with a mustache growing.  First time seeing facial hair, growing.  I'm saying growing because it's not funny developed.  But anyways, I shaved right after.  I don't ever want facial hair on my face.  On my face (on my arm is fine... because it would be like a free tattoo or it'll look like a bruise.  I don't have hair on my arms either.  I have really girly arms.)

Do not rekindle friendships.

Do not connect with new people.

It will only prolong my life.

What I should try maintaining:

If it's meant to happen, it will happen, because I will do all I can to make it happen.

Just be anything I think that looks cool. Don't look stupid.  Looking stupid hurts.

You know what.. I think I'd rather be broken hearted than not feeling anything at all.

It's not over yet... my feelings haven't faded.  I need to find something else to keep me busy.  MapleStory isn't, because all I do is train, and it's really mindless, so my mind wanders back into what I don't want it to wander into.

The End.

I haven't written anything in awhile, but I'll write what's in my mind right now before I forget.  It's a letter to her again.  I should be over her by now, because today was my deadline and I have no other way to talk to her... I'm scared that a year from now, I wouldn't care about her at all, and she'd have completey forgotten about me.  I want to believe in what I have always believed in, in that love lasts forever.  But I know it's not true.  It's just a silly fantasy.  That's why I had to keep being consistent... I know the truth, and the truth is that people do move on.  I tried to be consistent... I tried to make it last.  But it won't.  Since she cut me off, it's only a matter of time until my feelings are erased, even if it's been eight months since we've talked. Time is ticking, and people will always experience new things.  That includes her, as well as possibly me.  But seeing her nature, and knowing mine, I know she'll experience these new things much sooner than me, and I'll stay the same in this little corner, just waiting.

Anyways, my main point.  I even forgot what I wrote in those letters.  But anyways, everything just felt so perfect, and I thought the friendship would have been unbreakable.  It fazes me how fragile it actually was.  It fazes me how little communication effort both of us did to actually save it... or we didn't even try saving it at all.  Though looking back, it was all too perfect.  I did my best to find a flaw, and that flaw was when she told me "You should go out and do something."

You should go out and do something.

I don't know why, but that struck a chord.  And it made me realize that it's not worth it.  I don't know what it is about that phrase.  "You should" implies that she wants to change me.  "Go out and so something" means that she doesn't like me not doing anything.  And that kind of hurts.  I kind of like not doing anything, and I only like talking to her.  It's like she doesn't want me to talk to her.  And I heard that she doesn't like me talking to her.  Though she was the one who always talked to me... but anyways, I did not like what she said, nor did I confront her about it.

I don't know why I miss her so much.  She never understood me... she never asked how I really was.  She never considered my feelings.  She never asked me questions.  It seemed as if she never wanted to know me at all.  But she talked to me about herself.  She sort of shared herself with me.  And I fell for that.

But it's the end now.  There is no way for me to talk to her.  It's really the end.  Miracles don't exist.  Miracles never happen.  Plans in my head never go through.  What I was hoping would happen this weekend  did not come true, just like all the other times no matter how close and how supernaturally coincidental circumstances can seem, it never works out in the end.

I'll never ever look forward to how I thought she wanted to talk to me again, and how eager she seemed to tell me about her day.  I'll never laugh at her pictures, of her dog, but showing a huge picture more of herself with her dog looking away from the camera.  We'll never talk about the shows we've watched, play those silly games, talk until 5 a.m., or our own deficiencies as humans ever again.  She'll never say hi, and she'll never say bye.  Ever again.  Because it's over.  It's over.

But I can still wait, and hope... but nah, that goes against my pessimistic nature.  Hoping for a miracle goes against my pessimistic nature. I should wait without hope.  It's "waiting for nothing."  The waiting for nothing phase.  It's all my fault.  She was able to talk to me, but I messed it up, because I was in love with her.  It's my fault because I'm the one in love.