It's not over yet... my feelings haven't faded.  I need to find something else to keep me busy.  MapleStory isn't, because all I do is train, and it's really mindless, so my mind wanders back into what I don't want it to wander into.

The End.

I haven't written anything in awhile, but I'll write what's in my mind right now before I forget.  It's a letter to her again.  I should be over her by now, because today was my deadline and I have no other way to talk to her... I'm scared that a year from now, I wouldn't care about her at all, and she'd have completey forgotten about me.  I want to believe in what I have always believed in, in that love lasts forever.  But I know it's not true.  It's just a silly fantasy.  That's why I had to keep being consistent... I know the truth, and the truth is that people do move on.  I tried to be consistent... I tried to make it last.  But it won't.  Since she cut me off, it's only a matter of time until my feelings are erased, even if it's been eight months since we've talked. Time is ticking, and people will always experience new things.  That includes her, as well as possibly me.  But seeing her nature, and knowing mine, I know she'll experience these new things much sooner than me, and I'll stay the same in this little corner, just waiting.

Anyways, my main point.  I even forgot what I wrote in those letters.  But anyways, everything just felt so perfect, and I thought the friendship would have been unbreakable.  It fazes me how fragile it actually was.  It fazes me how little communication effort both of us did to actually save it... or we didn't even try saving it at all.  Though looking back, it was all too perfect.  I did my best to find a flaw, and that flaw was when she told me "You should go out and do something."

You should go out and do something.

I don't know why, but that struck a chord.  And it made me realize that it's not worth it.  I don't know what it is about that phrase.  "You should" implies that she wants to change me.  "Go out and so something" means that she doesn't like me not doing anything.  And that kind of hurts.  I kind of like not doing anything, and I only like talking to her.  It's like she doesn't want me to talk to her.  And I heard that she doesn't like me talking to her.  Though she was the one who always talked to me... but anyways, I did not like what she said, nor did I confront her about it.

I don't know why I miss her so much.  She never understood me... she never asked how I really was.  She never considered my feelings.  She never asked me questions.  It seemed as if she never wanted to know me at all.  But she talked to me about herself.  She sort of shared herself with me.  And I fell for that.

But it's the end now.  There is no way for me to talk to her.  It's really the end.  Miracles don't exist.  Miracles never happen.  Plans in my head never go through.  What I was hoping would happen this weekend  did not come true, just like all the other times no matter how close and how supernaturally coincidental circumstances can seem, it never works out in the end.

I'll never ever look forward to how I thought she wanted to talk to me again, and how eager she seemed to tell me about her day.  I'll never laugh at her pictures, of her dog, but showing a huge picture more of herself with her dog looking away from the camera.  We'll never talk about the shows we've watched, play those silly games, talk until 5 a.m., or our own deficiencies as humans ever again.  She'll never say hi, and she'll never say bye.  Ever again.  Because it's over.  It's over.

But I can still wait, and hope... but nah, that goes against my pessimistic nature.  Hoping for a miracle goes against my pessimistic nature. I should wait without hope.  It's "waiting for nothing."  The waiting for nothing phase.  It's all my fault.  She was able to talk to me, but I messed it up, because I was in love with her.  It's my fault because I'm the one in love.

Final Resort

-Dragging multiple mutual friends in.

As much as I don't like help... I NEED it. There is no other way.

-I've sent more buddy requests than we have talked...

-Maybe she was the patient one and I was the impatient one...

Bother Bother Bother

I'm annoyed at what I did in MapleStory.

I transferred my only Adventurer Warrior to another server, when I should have transferred my thief.  There will be a revamp soon where Adventurers can switch their 2nd jobs, and I already have two theives on one server, on the main server I play on, and I have no warriors.  This means I have to either transfer my warrior back, or make a new one, and I have to get rid of my 2nd thief somehow.

It's bothering me so much now that I feel like quitting.

-There are NO miracles.

-Stick with being skeptical so you'll be right in the end.

-All bad things happening are there for me to finally force me to kill myself.

-Life is NOT worth living.

-Being honest is STUPID.

-God's dvine plan: WE ALL DIE.  Because there's a 100% chance that everyone eventually dies.

What hurts me the most now is how long its been, and how it meant nothing to her...

hatehatehatehatehatehatehate.

Must always use my mind.  If my heart and mind try working together, my heart will overpower my mind no matter what.  Better choose one or the other, and the better one will always be the mind.