My Oath

I plan to stay committed until she flats out rejects me.

... and it's back.

I had a dream about her!  Weird dream though, it was a dream about me stalking her Tumblr.

Anyways, I think because of this dream, my feelings are back.

I woke up in such a good mood.  Not overly joyous, just the normal kind of mood that I hope to wake up to everyday.

I finished All That She's Worth. It's supposed to be a really good book, and I blame the translator for not making it really good, and not only that, because I had bad experiences with books he translated in the past.

Also heard that Pink song this morning, Just Give Me a Reason, and now I set it on repeat like a madman.

Speaking of madmans, I'm also tired of drawing Jesus everywhere on my notebook when I'm bored in class.  I think I'll start drawing Fredrich Nietzche everywhere now instead.

and now it's fading...

Not sure if this is bad for me and good for her or good for me and good for her, but...

I'm beginning to lose interest.

Today is also a 17 day.  3+8+1+3.  I planned to write her something, but nothing is coming out of my heart. I really need her to say something to me...

It just so happens also that this is my 17th post on May.

17 is her favorite number, that's why I think of 17 when I think of numbers.

NOT going to get mad at her

Because... she never got angry at me... never showed anger at all...

And I'm really not that kind of person to get angry like that... unless I'm doing it for someone else, like I'd get mad to protect her.

But then again... she's probably doing it worse by talking about me to other people.

defect... I'm a defect.

Maybe those who get depressed are those who are striving to be different because in the end we know that we all have to be alike... but we're actually not that different I think.  We're only different for two reasons:  Our genetics, and the environment (this includes the media and its stupid advertisements).

Anyways, I really think I'm mentally ill, especially when I really really really like someone.  It's been so long and I think I still like her so much.

Damn, my blog's not exciting because I only post one side of myself... my internal side.

I should start posting my superficial side, which would!... consist of a lot of pictures.

I think that would be the benefit of having an iPhone or whatever though... I'd be able to picture everything that's around me, and I think if I was in a relationship with her, she'd be less anxious because I can show her exactly what I'm up to at anytime she wants to know.

Path from Actual to Ideal self

Is this "Ideal" self an illusion of the mind created by this consumerist and easily influenced society?  Where did I get these ideas of who I wanted to be...

As a kid, I admired the impossible to become.  They are:

Geno.

That's probably it, that I could think of from the top of my head.  I think it's pretty cool actually, and I've always been a Geno fan ever since I opened up the instruction manual of Super Mario RPG when I was eight.  So this is psychologically correct, since its consistent with what I was when I was little (thinking that it's still pretty cool).

I have to somehow connect everything I do to my own philosophy to justify whatever action I do no matter how random the things I do are.