Mind Over Heart

Yeah, it won't work.   Even if she becomes my friend, and that she likes me, I can't like her because her communication sucks.  She never liked me anyway.

AND, it looks like she was only my friend because I like her like that?

Another reason:  She just got sick of me.

ANYWAYS, despite all this shit, at least it tests the limit to my patience?  Lol.

Volume 1 REWIND. Fascination MAX muthufucker.

I did not force myself to love her.

So I can't force myself out to unlove her.

Beginning of the second volume.

So thus ends my quest in the pursuit of her love.  Maybe.

Goodbye my low profile life style. I need to start networking for my "pride". I just need a little bit, then I'll be okay.  Just a little bit of pride would suffice.

New tongue twister:  Say shutthefuckupshutthefuckupshutthefuckup as fast as you can!

Looking back...

Holy shit how come I didn't move on.  She hung out with this guy knowing his intentions.

Everyone

Everyone wants to be loved
Everyone wants to be loved
Everyone wants to be loved

Not only me
Not only me
Not only me
Not only me

Stop being a bitch
Stop being a bitch
Stop being a bitch
Stop being a baby bitch

Setting up!

For my reclusive life...

The Ending of Chapter 3

It's weird how I think of... those who I really like in like terms of bosses.  I don't want to say names so I'll just describe them.  The bosses are the ones whom I can say that I "loved".

Stage 1-1- Some lust girl
Stage 1-2- Some other cute girl
Stage 1-3- Some cute girl with glasses
BOSS- Tall intelligent girl

Stage 2-1- Some musician girl
Stage 2-2- Some book girl
Stage 2-3- Some happy girl that becomes a friend
BOSS- Some angry girl

Stage 3-1- Some Korean girl
Stage 3-2- Some glasses girl
Stage 3-3- Some online girl with a bf
BOSS- Some girl that I was supposed to be destined with

Wth is wrong with my head...

The Unsent Letter

February 19, 2013

Hi

This is my closure letter.   If this is TL;DR which can be judged by the size of this, then skip to  the last paragraph, because that’s all I really want to say I guess.  I still feel that we are still friends, although we probably are not, so this is my last message.

But please keep in mind that this is meant for me and myself only.  It is no way intended by any means to revive the friendship, or anything else.  It took me so long to think about this, and I guess time is what was needed to write this.  I needed to be in a mutual and purely genuine mood to write what I really feel and think, which can only be felt in time.  No feelings of desperation, regret, clinginess, or apologizing.  Total neutralness.  And also, I just like writing letters, though I rarely write them.  This will be my only letter, I try my best to keep my word, so please don’t categorize me, as this will be the only one, my first and last (so I won’t be a creeper, sorry but I really believed in our friendship, I didn’t think I’d end up being a stranger because of all the things we’ve been through).

 

I need closure for myself, though.  You probably don’t, but I do.  I only care about my own feelings and thoughts, and I can’t move on without something like this.  You should know me, as I like being organized.  Unorganization bothers me, and what could bother me more than an unorganized friendship?  If this was your idea for revenge though, you’ve got it.  You won.  And sorry about how long it took for me to respond to what you did because… I really didn’t know what was going on.  I wasn’t given much information to work with, but I guess it’s my fault for not understanding you.

Sorry for always stalking you on Tumblr though.  It was a reassurance for me, because I thought “I wonder what Jess is up to”… “Oh, she’s just playing LoL”… Go, play and have fun with your friends, and I was okay with that.  But now I don’t even have that anymore (I stopped my stalking attempts, you’re free to tumblr now, so sorry and embarrassed about this but there’s nothing I can do…).  I don’t know what you’re up to, because now I feel the confirmation that you really are ignoring me.

Two things I have learned to heart from an ex-friend (the one who despises my existence), were to communicate, and to not assume.  Those things are so important in any kind of relationship, and I was hoping you would be able to talk to me… however, I am only left with assumptions of why you would hate me now. I have narrowed it down.

Okay, so my first thought was that maybe you didn’t get my humor… about how openly jealous I was, but really, I thought you could have just F3’d it off and I can be commedical like Ron where you constantly reject him.  Honestly I thought it would be funny to show that I’m jealous all the time when you hang out with other people even though I’m okay with it.  I’ll never get mad at you.  I don’t ever get mad in general.  Only when I feel like I have to be but only then it’ll still be an act because I’d laugh afterwards. 

Second, is it because I sound different when I blog?  Am I just not funny?  And I guess I was showing some passive-aggressiveness… maybe that’s the problem for people like me who don’t get mad, we don’t show getting mad, but show it subtly.  Sorry for falling for you, I tried to find any signs that you’d like me back though so I tried to see if you would get jealous or not, but I did it so subtle.  It was so dumb and immature, but I get it.  I read the hints over and over and  I’m okay.  I’m okay now. The only thing I’m not okay with is you not being there for me anymore and not telling me what’s wrong. 

Third, I don't talk to you about my problems, or my life in general. I don’t do this to anyone actually unless they press me or if I’m really intimidated. You seemed you never cared anyway, because I felt that you never actually ask me anything.  I didn’t want to bother you.  So I guess I hoped you’d just be interested in me but  I guess I wasn’t interesting at all either way, but that’s okay, really.  I only cared, or I’d like to think I did to think that I cared for you very much. I don’t care about the reciprocation, but only looking out for a fellow INFP.

Despite all of this, it’s over, isn’t it?  I know you don’t revive friendships, and I know you never recover from broken ones, but I’m just saying that it takes effort for two, and I’m not giving up because I don’t like you and that I don’t want to be your friend.  It’s not that at all.  It’s because I don’t want to hinder your growth in your development as a person, as I feel that you are only truly beginning to experience the joys of life and I’m hoping that my absence in your life will only enhance it.  That’s why this will be my first and only, my last letter (unless you respond with an open ending in your response if you respond).

Thank you for being my best friend these four months of summer.  Thank you for the refined opal ore.  Thank you for that picture on my birthday that I forgot to save onto my computer.  Thank you for watching Anohana with me.  Thank you for the song recommendations.  Thank you for introducing me to PokeMMO and dress up games.  Thank you for the attention. Thank you for opening up to me.  Thank you for those memorable late nights of just talking about anything.  Thank you for giving me a better reason to get up in the morning.  Thank you for making the summer atmosphere refreshing. Good luck in the future, best wishes, and have fun.  I’ll never forget your fierce prowess in the heat of Maple PvP, your individuality, your beauty, your creativity, and how you forced me into a friendship I did not deserve.  Thank you for everything.

-jas0n